Depression

by Nomthi

Although almost everyone at one time or the other experiences a period of sadness, most people get over it within a short time. But for some people, the sadness continues and degenerates into depression. Studies show that the rates of depression in women are twice as high as they are in men. This is due in part to hormonal factors; could be premenstrual syndrome (PMS), premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), postpartum depression, pre or post-natal depression and peri-menopausal depression. The good news however is that depression can be contained.

Now, depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person’s thoughts, behaviour, feelings and sense of well-being.

Some people describe depression as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. However, some depressed people do not feel sad at all—they may feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic, or in the case of men, may even feel angry, aggressive, and restless.

It is important to note that depressed mood is not always a psychiatric disorder. It may also be a normal reaction to certain life events, a symptom of some medical conditions, or a side effect of some drugs or medical treatments.

The truth is that there is no single cause of depression. You can develop it for different reasons and it has many different triggers. For some, an upsetting or stressful life event – such as bereavement, birth, divorce, illness, redundancy and job or money worries – can be the cause. Other causes include abuse (physical, sexual, medication); conflict; death or a loss; and genetics.

After giving birth, some women experience postnatal depression, and it has led to a number of maternal deaths. Often, different causes combine to trigger depression.

Whatever the symptoms, depression is different from normal sadness in that it engulfs your day-to-day life, interfering with your ability to work, study, eat, sleep, and have fun. The feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness are intense and unrelenting, with little, if any, relief.

If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just will not go away, it could be depression: insomnia or oversleeping; inability to concentrate or finding that previously easy tasks are now difficult; feeling of hopelessness and helplessness; pessimism or uncontrollable negative thoughts; persistent sadness, including fits of crying either uncontrollably or being set off easily; feelings of anxiety or emptiness; unusual weight gain or loss, overeating or appetite loss; irritable, short-tempered, or more aggressive than usual; forgetfulness, or feeling a sense that life is hopeless, pointless and futile; recklessness or suicidal thoughts.

Depression is a major risk factor for suicide. The deep despair and hopelessness that go along with depression can make suicide feel like the only way to escape the pain.

However, as terrible as it sounds, there are ways to overcome depression:

Accept that you are depressed.
Recognise the cause of the depression; knowing the cause will make dealing with it easy.
Keep company of happy people. (Proverbs 13:20)
Seek medical care (if necessary).
Fellowship with God. Edward Welch, a licensed neuropsychologist and faculty member at the Christian Counselling& Educational Foundation in Philadelphia, encourages the people he counsels to speak to God, and “if the pain is too strong, and there are no words, to read from the book of Psalms.”He suggests that they “speak the hard things from our hearts to the Lord.”
Other suggestions include limiting the consumption of caffeine and alcohol because they can aggravate anxiety or trigger panic attacks; eating healthy and exercising often (this not only helps keep you fit, there is also the release of a rush of endorphins which makes you feel instantly happier).

James 1:2 asks us to “Consider it all joy when we fall into various trials.” Notice that James does not tell us to feel joyful; he tells us to reckon, to choose to think about our situation from a joyful perspective.

Even when you experience unpleasant situations, either at work or in the home, it does not have to degenerate into depression. If you are however depressed, understand that suicide is not the solution. Seek solace in the Word of God and the company of those around you who are happy. As the scripture commands, “Rejoice always,” regardless of what is happening around you or to you. You can make a commitment to be joyful!

Mistresses: what goes on in their mind

by Nomthi Odukoya

Recently, I watched a TV show hosted by Dr Phil. In this particular episode, four ladies were interviewed who had ongoing relationships with married men. The host in his line of questioning tried to lay bare (expose) the internal workings of the minds of these ladies: what goes on in their heads, what they felt, how they currently feel, what attracted or lured them into the relationships, their justifications for being in the relationships, how they deal with the guilt, what they think about themselves etc. It is so easy to crucify these ladies for being involved with other women’s husbands, especially when we consider the great harm being done to different homes. So many families have been torn apart, resulting in dysfunctional homes and dysfunctional children being raised in the larger society. Often it becomes a vicious cycle.

In the course of the interview, the host tried to bring them to terms with their persona. They defended themselves just like anyone would when one’s real self is laid bare before one and others to see. Despite the defences, the justifications etc., I saw something that made my heart heavy: broken women without self-worth and esteem selling themselves short of God’s best for their lives, who over time had believed and received the lies of the enemy as the truth.

Majority of women, while growing up as young girls, do not consciously nurture the idea of being someone’s mistress or “the other woman.” Usually as a young girl, you tend to have lofty dreams of meeting a prince charming someday, someone who comes across your path and sweeps you off your feet. And some actually get to live this dream. For some, however, it is a bumpy ride; yet they get there. For others, it remains just an elusive dream or what you call a fantasy.

Over the years, I have heard and seen different women with different attitudes and dispositions towards life. Some are unscrupulous ladies who would always look for the easiest way out of every awkward situation even if it is demeaning. Some are principled ladies – ladies who are morally inclined. Some are genuine believers – ladies who really loved the Lord, but who found themselves in illicit love affairs.

For the lady without scruples, it is easy to arrive at a conclusion regarding why she got involved in an illicit love affair. However, when it comes to the principled ones or the good girls, so to speak, you are at a loss trying to fathom the rationale behind her actions. You ask yourself: how did a good girl become wayward? How did a vibrant God-loving sister get herself entangled in what ought not to be named among God’s people?

The word “illicit” usually refers to something that is unethical, amoral or unacceptable, such as having an affair with a married man or woman. Romantic or sexual relationship outside of marriage is termed an extramarital affair, and could be between two people married to different spouses or between a single and a married individual. In the context of the Word of God, it is an adulterous relationship, hence sinful. Socially it is amoral and unacceptable, and the parties involved, especially the married ones, go to great lengths to avoid being discovered or caught. They love the thrill of going against the norm, yet they do not want to destroy their own homes. In a way, they want to have their cake and eat it. The truth is that no right thinking man or woman would deliberately plan to destroy his or her home. So why do people still cheat on their spouse and do those things that ultimately lead to the ruin of their family? As Proverbs 9:17 says, “Stolen waters (pleasures) are sweet [because they are forbidden]; and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” (AMP)

I believe the above scripture gives us some insight on the workings of the minds of some people; it tells how a lot of individuals, particularly the unregenerate, are wired. Man in his fallen state is rebellious and tends to lust or go after things which are out of his jurisdiction. Take for example, when God gave the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel in the wilderness, after they came out of Egypt. The first law was not to have other gods beside the Lord, and this was the very first law they broke by making a golden calf. (see Exodus 20 & 32)

In this discourse, our focus is on the mistresses and not the men. We want to examine some of the reasons why a lady, rather than have her own man, would choose to share another’s man, relegate herself to the position of a second fiddle and ultimately destroys the home of the parties involved. Like I mentioned earlier, no lady sets out to be a mistress, but quite a number of women have found themselves there at some points. Sadly some are still in such relationships.

Some ladies become mistresses because of the financial gains it affords them – the opportunity to live a lavish lifestyle and have someone take care of all their bills.
Some people are averse to commitments; they want a part-time stable relationship, and a married man seems to be the perfect solution. The man comes and goes as he wants; they both live their separate lives and there is no binding contractual arrangement between them. It is a symbiotic relationship where mutual benefits are derived by the parties involved.
There is also another class of people who want to enjoy the gains/benefits of marriage without having to do the hard work of “keeping” a marriage.
Some are in such relationships because of the non-disclosure of marital status by the man. Some women go into relationships without realising their partner was already married to someone else. By the time they realise it, they have become emotionally attached and breaking away from such relationships becomes difficult.
Some women find themselves in marriages that have become passionless and unexciting, and having to deal with the feelings of been unappreciated, unwanted and unloved. This makes them easy prey to predators who capitalise on their vulnerability and emotional instability and they end up taking solace in the arms of a lover who gives them what they think they lack and long for, even if it done in deception.
Some people are so battered emotionally that they feel, and have over time come to believe, it is the crumbs they deserve in life and not the real deal. They believe they are not good enough to be any man’s wife, so they settle for the life of a mistress.
There are those that feel and think life has passed them by. They hear their biological clock ticking away and conclude no young single man will pay them attention. So they end up settling for an older man who usually is married just to fulfil their basic needs of companionship and intimacy.
When a lady is gullible and naive – this usually is common among younger ladies. Their married male lover tells them all sorts of story about his wife and marriage in order to elicit empathy from them. They then end up thinking and feeling they are his comforter and the one who can help him out of his misery.

These factors are not exhaustive; they are just some of the reasons ladies get involved in illicit affairs. This is meant to serve as an eye-opener to the ways the minds of these ladies work at times. Considering that the human mind is complex, most times the driving force is a composite of various factors deeply rooted in the psyche of the individuals.

Ladies that date married men are generally considered to be callous, unfeeling etc. The truth however is that there is actually no one without a conscience, and this was easily perceivable among the ladies brought on Dr Phil’s show. One could actually sense the feeling of guilt that pervaded their beings despite their supposed frankness and indifference to the issue.

Overtime the things we do can either deaden our conscience or make it alive. For instance, if you subject yourself constantly to hearing, reading, studying, reflecting and acting on God’s Word, you are changed from the inside, and this directly affects you outwardly (transformed). You may not be able to explain what took place, but people who knew you previously would attest to the fact that there is something different about you. Conversely, if you feed yourself with lies, negativities and all the wrong stuff, and actively engage in them, overtime you get accustomed to feeling right about it. But the guilt does not disappear; it is locked deep somewhere inside of you. The more you give in to it, the more difficult it becomes to hear the voice of your conscience. Ultimately you lose touch with your inner being and end up being the lie you have accepted and woven around yourself.

Sister, you are beautifully and wonderfully made, so you deserve the best. You are not meant to play second fiddle in life. You are not a plaything for any man. Do not subscribe to the lies that you can or will never get your own man or that you are not good enough. In the beginning, He who created the heavens and earth made them male and female. As long as you came into this world as a female, know for sure that there is someone out there specially crafted for you. However, if you do not let go of the entanglement you are in, the real will not surface or manifest.

You might have felt pressed for time or your biological clock ticking away. As a result, you decided to settle for less than the best. Do not let the guilt drown you. I know of someone who has the power and ability to restore lost times and seasons, and renew your youth like that of the eagle. But first, you have to let go of what is not rightfully yours.

Do you feel empty within? He will fill your void, make you whole (complete) and give you joy that no bands of being single, unloved, unwanted and unappreciated can hold. If He did it for me (gave me a great husband in His own time), then your case is not too hard for Him to handle. Irrespective of the circumstances, He can do it for you if only you will allow Him. Today, He beckons to you. Open your heart and trust Him with the affairs of your life. He has assured through His Word never to leave nor forsake you. You will not be put to shame in Jesus name.

Getting rid of it

by Nomthi Odukoya

“I was aborted but I did not die.”

The above is a statement by Gianna Jessen, a Christian pro-life activist from the US, who was adopted at the age of four after living in foster care from infancy after a failed saline abortion attempt. The failed abortion that should have burnt her in her mother’s womb led to her being born with cerebral palsy, a non-progressive, non-contagious motor condition that affects various areas of body movement. She stated that “through prayer and hard work by my foster mother, I was walking at the age of three and the half with the help of a walker and leg braces. Now, I am left with only a slight limp.” This experience formed the underlying message of her activism –

Abortion is a very controversial issue, yet more and more women are having abortions every year. The majority of abortions performed today are done for social, not medical reasons. Many young pregnant women, who have unplanned pregnancies believe that abortion is the only solution to their problem. In the USA, it is estimated that over 50 million potential lives have been terminated by abortion since 1973. Here in Nigeria, abortion is illegal and carries a heavy jail sentence, unless it is performed to save the life of a pregnant woman.

The pro-life or anti-abortion movement argues that even non-viable, undeveloped human life is sacred and must be protected. The pro-choice or pro-abortion movement on the other hand, argues that prior to the point of viability (when the baby can survive outside of the womb), the government does not have the right to impede a woman’s right to decide whether or not to continue a pregnancy.

The decision to abort an unborn child is often a very difficult one, and there are various reasons that push people to make such a choice. Common reasons are, financial instability, partner or parental pressure, the potential negative impact on the mother’s life – pregnancy at the wrong time can have a lifelong impact on the mother’s finances and prospects, relationship problems, unwillingness to be a single mother and health issues.

Some of the most common reasons given for why abortion should be made legal are:

Abortion is a termination of a pregnancy, not a baby. A person becomes a person at birth not conception.
Fetuses are incapable of feeling pain when an abortion is performed
When women have access to legal abortions performed by a medical professional, it reduces injuries and deaths caused by unsafe, illegal abortions.
Modern, medical abortion procedures are safe.
Abortion gives couples the options to choose not to bring babies with severe and life-threatening conditions to the full term. It is wrong to sentence a child to life with an acute handicap.

Those who are against abortion commonly give the following reasons (amongst others) for why abortion should be illegal:

Life begins at conception and since no civilized society permits people to intentionally take the life of another, the same should apply to an unborn child.
Adoption is a feasible alternative to abortion.
In the instance of a pregnancy as a result of rape or incest,instead of punishing the unborn child, the perpetrator should be punished.
An abortion can result in medical complications later in life.
Many women who go through abortions have life-long regrets afterwards – some women have experienced a psychological condition called Post Abortion Syndrome (PAS) which can cause recurrent memories of the procedure, sexual dysfunction, guilt, damaged self esteem, memory impairment, hostile outbursts, substance abuse, insomnia, problems with emotional relationships etc.

If you are considering having an abortion, here are some facts to consider:

At the moment of conception, 46 chromosomes with 30,000 genes combine to determine the child’s sex, facial features, color of eyes, hair and skin and the many other physical characteristics that make the child unique
Fertilization takes place one day after the intercourse, at this stage the genetic composition of the child is form such as gender, hair and eye colour, facial features etc
18days after conception, the baby’s heart begins to beat
40days after conception, the child’s brain starts to function
6 weeks after conception, the fingers begin to form
2 months after conception, the child’s has his/her own set of unique footprints
9 weeks after conception, the child is able to respond to touch

Some bible scholars state that the blood of innocent aborted babies sometimes cries for justice (like Abel’s). I can think of no justification for abortion, except as a medical resolution to issues of life or death. The best way to prevent abortion is stated in the bible – avoid sex before marriage (abstinence). However, if you are already pregnant, instead of opting for an abortion, you can repent of your sin and trust that God is able to supply all your needs, including those of your child (Philippians 4:19). If you have already had an abortion, you can repent (ask God for mercy) and make better decisions going forward. If you really feel unable to care for a child, a viable alternative to abortion is adoption. There is no such thing as an unwanted baby, there are families willing to adopt.

Don’t jeopardize your future through the decisions you make today. God has a plan for you…

Talking To Your Children about Masturbation

by Nomthi Odukoya

But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown brings forth death – James 1:14-15 NKJV

An intelligent young man once asked me, “Is it wrong to masturbate?” Although this is one question asked by many young people, masturbation is one of the least discussed sexual topics in the church. Yet it is something that can affect the whole family – from our children to our spouses.

The question is: What is masturbation? It is the manual self-stimulation of the genital organs to derive sexual pleasure. And all kinds of people masturbate: young and old, single and married, male and female.

As we grow, our sexual desires become particularly strong. This is more so when we reach puberty. Because we encourage our children to abstain from sex before marriage, many choose to masturbate instead because it seems like a harmless alternative to sex. After all, they cannot get pregnant or impregnate somebody, they will not catch any diseases and they can remain virgins while reliving pent up sexual tension. However, masturbation is almost inevitably associated with sexual fantasies and this is where the problem lies – it is the product of a sinful process.

When a person masturbates, a sexual fantasy is needed to arouse them; this can be in the form of a mental image or thoughts that stir their sexuality, or through visual aids such as dirty magazines or pornography. Therefore the thoughts required to masturbate go directly against the teachings of Jesus Christ concerning lust: ‘But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart’ (Matthew 5:28). Jesus is telling us that lustful thoughts (for anyone other than our spouse) are sinful. So masturbation is not a harmless alternative to sex for young and/or unmarried people; it is a result of sinful thoughts and feelings.

For most people who masturbate, it is something they do a few times a month, a few times a year or even a few times in their lifetime. However, for some, masturbation can become an addiction that inhibits other areas of their lives. It is a habit that could go on to become a marital issue later in life.

It is therefore important that parents do not leave out masturbation when discussing sex with their children. And if you learn that your child is masturbating, do not panic; seize the opportunity to have an open discussion with him/her. Help your children with practical things that may reduce the temptation to masturbate. Encourage them to spend time with the family instead of being alone in their bedrooms. Put desktop computers in communal spaces instead of the child’s bedroom. Set parental controls on internet-connected devices and television.

God created sex, and so sexual desires are a part of being human. We need to let our children understand that while the sexual desires that begin to awaken during adolescence are normal, acting on these desires before marriage is a distortion of the goodness of sex within the context of marriage. Ask God to guide your children, and pray with them often that God will help them to resist temptation.

How to overcome discouragement

by Nomthi Odukoya

There are things in life one just has to go through at different stages of life. Those things don’t announce their happening neither do you invite them, but they just happen. One of such things is discouragement. We all experience it whether we are rich, poor, young or old.

The web dictionary describes discouragement as the feeling of despair in the place of obstacles. From the definition we can see that discouragement does not happen without any cause. You don’t wake up one day and decide you are going to be discouraged, but things just happen that could deprive you of your confidence, hope or enthusiasm.

Those circumstances could be:

Rejection – Deserted by your spouse or parents; Refused admission to the university; Cannot find a job
Betrayal- Someone you trust does something you least expected of them.
Abuse- Verbal or physical abuse from spouse or parents
Guilt- Can’t forgive yourself for what you have done
Death- Your loved one suddenly died and you had all your hope in them

The list goes on and you can add your own because although it has the same negative common factor but it differs from person to person.

How do I know that I’m discouraged?

Amongst many signs of discouragement, the following are a few :

Negative thoughts- Images or unpleasant ideas that may become obsessions. You end up believing they are true if you keep pondering on them, e.g “I will never get married,” “No one finds me attractive,” “ Life has no meaning for me,” “If I get married again my spouse might cheat on me or they might die like the first one.”
Insomnia- Difficulty initiating sleeps or maintaining sleep, or both.
Overeating or Loss of appetite- Comfort eating which leads to uncontrolled eating or eating disorder.
Forgetfulness- The mind is occupied by discouragement it cannot remember the everyday simple things

Overcoming discouragement

First of all do not be in denial or start blaming other people for the way you feel. Face your own challenge.
Turn your energy into something meaningful so that you don’t keep thinking about your setbacks.
Helping other people can be very therapeutic, rather than wallowing in your own problems or allowing your problems to drown you try and reach out to somebody. You will be amazed at how doing something good for somebody else helps you forget and overcome your own troubles.
Try again; Like Winston Churchill said “Never, ever give up.”
Write down your new ideas. The minute you start writing, more ideas will flow through your mind and make sure to follow up with appropriate action.
Set new goals. Setting new goals will help you see why something did not work out in the first instance.
Forgive. Forgiveness is very vital to your healing. As a matter of fact your healing begins the moment you forgive.

One more point before I stop, let your discouragement become a motivation for you to pray. There is nothing God cannot do and the surest way to approach Him is praying. The Bible in 1 Peter 5:7 says Cast all your cares upon Him for He cares for you, so you don’t need to carry it alone when His hands are open wide to receive you.

Homosexuality: Coming out of the closet

by Nomthi Odukoya

The term ‘coming out of the closet’ is used to describe the process of a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT) person accepting his/her sexual orientation/identity and sharing that identity with others.

The dialogue surrounding homosexuality is increasing both at home and abroad. Presently 15 countries, including the UK and South Africa, allow same-sex marriages. There are also some states in Mexico and the USA that allow same-sex couples to wed. On Thursday, 30th May, 2013, Nigeria’s parliament adopted the Same-Sex Marriage (Prohibition) Bill, a law that foresees up to 14 years imprisonment (or death in 12 northern states) for gay, lesbian and bisexual people who marry or display affection – this is labelled the harshest piece of legislation against LGBT people in the world. This bill has been widely condemned throughout the world as unnecessary (as no-one had ever asked for same-sex marriage in Nigeria).

There have been many different explanations on why homosexuality occurs. Below are three common schools of thought:

For many homosexuals, they strongly believe that their sexual orientation is biological and cannot be changed. They reason that, just as being ‘straight’ is not a conscious choice, neither is being gay.
Sigmund Freud’s basic theory of human sexuality believes that all human beings were innately bisexual, and that they become heterosexual or homosexual as a result of their experiences with parents and others. This presupposes that everyone has the ability to choose his/her sexuality and desires.
A number of experts relate homosexuality to unresolved issues of rejection, abuse, gender identity, self-perception, fear or distrust. There are some instances where homosexual desires were first stirred in childhood through sexual contact with a homosexual adult. American singer and minister Donnie McClurkin, for example, was sexually abused in his childhood and has stated that as a result of it, he ‘struggled’ with homosexuality for most of his adult life.

Homosexuality is like any other sin with its consequences (Leviticus 18:22-25). Roman 1:26-27 says “For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.”

As Christians, we must, by God’s grace, hold fast to His plan for human sexuality: marriage between one man and one woman, one time, for the couple’s mutual joy and the procreation of children. We are called to speak God’s truth and call sin, sin. We should confront all kinds of sin, including homosexuality, but the Bible teaches that when confronting sin, “the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness” (2 Timothy 2:24-25). We are also commanded to love one another. Too often, we are so consumed with confronting sin that we fail to do so in love.

First Corinthians 6:9-10 says “…or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with mennor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”

Let me ask you: Do you know anyone that cheats on his or her spouse? Do you know anyone who steals? Do you know anyone who gets drunk? You probably have come across someone living a sinful life. I’m sure you did not abuse them though; neither did you approve of them being flogged or mistreated. So why then do we treat homosexuals with so much vitriol?

That’s not to say that we should encourage homosexuality. That’s not to say that the many gay churches springing up around the world are right in what they are doing. Just as it would be wrong to start an adulterer church or a church for liars, a church that accepts sin of any kind is failing in its mandate to be a pillar of truth.

The Bible does not condemn homosexual temptation – but acting on this desire is the sin. First Corinthians 10:13 says “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” There is a way of escape for every temptation including homosexuality.

If a relative or friend decides to come out, your reaction is very important and, whether you know it or not, it could determine their walk with the Lord.

The first thing I’d advise is that you should act neutral. Shouting, screaming or crying won’t help the situation.
Ask the person if he/she wants help with this sin and seek out the advice of a counsellor/pastor.
Let him or her know, in love, that homosexuality is a sin, and pray for him or her.
Never condemn, criticize or threaten the person (John 8:11) but show love.
Don’t stop praying for the person; God can turn his or her life around.

Can homosexuality be overcome? The answer is yes.

Masters and Johnson, a well-known research team in human sexuality, stated that they had a 67% success rate in helping homosexuals revert to heterosexual behaviour. This means a change is POSSIBLE.

If you are struggling with same-sex attraction, it is important to make a definite decision not to give in to the desire. The desire may be strong, as is the desire to steal, smoke, cheat on your spouse etc., but with God you can overcome all temptations.

Maybe you are a Christian but are attracted to someone of the same-sex. Perhaps you are even dating somebody of the same-sex. If you want to conquer your sinful lifestyle, here are some steps you can take:

Break off relationship with the homosexual partner.
Identify the root cause of the desire and seek to meet it in a healthy way.
Don’t dwell in secrecy or denial (Psalm 51:6); come out of the closet and ask for help.
Pray for victory over the desires.
Talk to a counsellor or pastor.
Cultivate an intimate relationship with Christ. Donnie McClurkin mentioned that, for him, overcoming homosexuality was beyond praying, but finding out who he is in Christ.
Keep your mind and body pure. (Proverbs 4:23)
Watch the company that you keep, and don’t assume that you will be able to resist temptation if you keep company with practicing homosexuals.
Be accountable to someone.
Face the fact that change is hard work. You have to consciously put your desires and actions under control.

Many sexuality experts have noted that religious discipleship and mentoring is a major factor in overcoming homosexuality for many individuals.

The fight against homosexuality is a fight of honour. You should not accept things as they are; fight for a change (1 Timothy 6:12). The change might not be instantaneous; you must therefore regularly dwell in the presence of God and work on yourself.

Be encouraged, a change is possible!

Emotional Affairs

by Nomthi Odukoya

One of the most important fabrics of human life is the capacity to form and maintain relationships. Relationships can be physical, spiritual and emotional. Women are emotional and therefore tend to first bond emotionally with others before physical and/or spiritual relational bonds are formed.

Emotional bonds are created and strengthened by communication. In other words, you will bond emotionally with those who you talk to regularly, and if it is the opposite sex, a physical bond can follow. This makes it imperative to guard against access to your emotions. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard your heart with all diligence because out of it stems the issues of life”.

Any unchecked communication breakdown between your spouse and yourself will open you up to external interference. Most women will only bond with a third person after being hurt or abandoned by their spouse. The trick of the devil is to create a gulf between you and your spouse so his antics can prevail. Heed the instruction of the Bible, and don’t allow the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26). Resolve every issue and keep your friendship intact.

The emotional affair is the most subtle and unassuming form of adultery; it occurs when two people take friendship to a deeper level but excludes any forms of sexual intimacy. Once you get close enough to someone to share your dreams, fears, hopes and aspirations, the friendship takes on a life of its own. An emotional affair does not depend only on the amount of time spent together but the experiences shared. The assumption is that “you are not sleeping with him; he is just your friend”. When you exchange sensual messages or your flirt with your colleague, you are being caught in a trap.

There is the disillusion that because the relationship is not physical, it is not harmful. The reality is, where a woman’s heart is, her body will eventually follow.

Warning signs of an emotional affair:

Going out of your way to attract his attention
Changing your wardrobe or posture to educe compliments from him
Displaying glittery body language when he is around
Being excited about spending time with him and concealing the amount of time spent together from your spouse
Enjoying his company more than your spouse’s
Wishing that he were your husband
Turning to him to meet your emotional needs
Looking to him for words of affirmation
Neglecting your family to spend time with him
Acting irritably towards your spouse and always ready to pick up a fight
Not answering certain calls in the presence of your spouse or deleting certain text messages from your phone

If you observe any of the above, you could be in an emotional affair – pull back and put a stop to it.

The former Governor of South Carolina(US), Mark Sanford, was once thought of as a potential presidential candidate – such was his appeal amongst voters. However his political ambitions were ruined when it was discovered that he was engaged in an affair with an Argentinian journalist. When the affair was exposed, he stated that the relationship with the woman in Argentina started innocently but then escalated. If he had never formed a close private friendship with her, he would never have fallen sexually. It is not enough to say he is just my friend. Does your spouse know ‘your friend’ and the type of things you discuss?

Secrecy is the lifeline of such affairs. Psychologists say that emotional affairs are now a common issue of discussion in couple’s therapy, as increasing numbers of people are cheating on their spouses emotionally rather than physically. Emotional bonds can actually be more damaging than physical bonds because it involves deep connection, support and companionship that should be shared with your partner.

If the emotional bond between a man and a woman is weakened, trust is hard to regain or rebuild. Paula Hall, a psychotherapist at Relate says, “Emotional affairs can be as devastating as sexual infidelity.”

Here is how to deal with the affair:

Confront your feeling and discuss it with your partner. Communication is very important.
Pray about your relationship with the third party – ask God to help you distance yourself emotionally from him.
Cut off all communication with the third party; this includes emails, phone calls, text and/or visits
Set relationship boundaries in general, but especially with the opposite sex
See a Counsellor or Pastor (if necessary)

Do not blame the cause of the affair on your husband’s failure to meet your emotional needs; take responsibility for your action. Your marriage is too important; it is just a matter of time before an emotional affair will mature into a sexual affair. Your body is the temple of God (1 Corinthians 6:19), so it is imperative that you guard against any form of affair.

Discipline and Little Children

by Nomthi Odukoya

Children are heritage from the Lord and the fruit of the womb is his reward (Psalm 127:3)

Children go through different phases in life, and it is the responsibility of their parents to guide them through these phases. The rule to guiding them does not rest solely on Proverbs 23:13-14 “Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod and deliver his soul from hell.” as most African parents believe.

Ephesians 6:4 says “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord”. Teaching and reprimanding go beyond the use of a rod in teaching children to recognise right from wrong.

It is pertinent to understand your child’s stage of development, as this will inform the way that you discipline them. For example there’s the terrible twos where your little one might display tendencies of being feisty and difficult, throwing temper tantrums or talking back at you. This is simply a phase when children are exploring and trying to express their independence; at this stage they need guidance to help shape their character.

I remember talking to a friend and she recalled hearing her sons talking after she had banned them from playing their favourite video game for being naughty.

“It is better when she beats us.” said the younger brother with teary eyes. “This new punishment is too hard, we should avoid being naughty,” they concluded.

Each child is different; some might require a spanking, while for others, a talk on acceptable and unacceptable behaviours, or being banned from doing something he/she loves might be better.

Here are few thoughts on how to handle the development of your children:

Pray for your child: You are the first prophet of your child’s life; make good use of that position while you have it.

Identify the individuality of each child: Treat your children with fairness; show no favouritism but understand that not all children can be handled in same way. I have heard mother’s say, “Why can’t you just be like your elder brother?” Don’t waste your energy comparing your children, God created everyone uniquely. As a parent, identify their different personality traits and handle them appropriately.

Define their boundaries: Don’t assume that your child will understand right from wrong innately. Define clear boundaries from a young age and they will follow it throughout their life. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Consider the motive of a child’s action: The ‘naughtiness’ might be to get your attention or it might be born out of ignorance.

Validate your children: If Jesus needed to be validated by God before commencing his ministry (Luke 3:21), your children also need validation from you. It will be their defence against criticism and the bullies of this world. Encourage your child, even if when he or she is not doing so well.

Watch your response: Don’t respond to your child on his or her level, remember you are modelling the behavioural patterns that you will eventually see in your child. When your child is showing his or her worst side, do not be tempted to show yours- be calm. Handle every situation firmly but calmly.

Be consistent: Don’t exhibit inconsistent behavioural patterns. If you tell your child not to lie, do not lie in their presence; it will confuse their values. Also if you say you’re going to do something, or if you have prescribed a punishment, it is important to always follow through.

Love: As much as your child tests your patience, continue to respond in love. And when you discipline your child, do so in love.

Forgive easily: Give multiple chances and be quick to forgive.

Try different correctional methods: Keep trying new mode of correction or discipline till you find the one that works for your child. Like in the example I mentioned earlier, being banned from a favourite activity is sometimes a more effective punishment than being beaten. Find out what works for your child.

Endure the phases: Most of the time periods of misbehaviour, whether during the terrible toddler phase or the angry adolescent phase, do not last long. To give up on your child is to give up on yourself.

Your children are heritages from the Lord (Psalm 127:3) and they are for signs and wonders (Isaiah 8:18), love and cherish them and they will bring you joy.

Pornography – more than just images

by Nomthi Odukoya

“But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” – Matthew 5:28 NKJV

“Isn’t it just naked images? What is the harm in looking, replaying it over and over or fantasizing a little? No one knows I am doing it, and I need an outlet for this sexual energy. It is harmless fun without any consequences.”

The above is how the world makes light the issue of pornography despite its contribution to the death of many relationships and marriages. It is the number one cause of masturbation, sexual assault and sexual deviancy – Had David not looked at Bathsheba’s nakedness, he wouldn’t have committed adultery with her or killed her husband, Uriah (2 Samuel 11).

Pornography has been around for centuries, but the problem of addiction to pornography has increased dramatically in recent years due to its vast presence on the internet. The internet is littered with varying acts of pornography, some of which pop-up unsolicited while you are using the internet.

Most pornographic acts start innocently out of curiously clicking an ad, email or link or reading a magazine. It then becomes a form of escape from stress, relationship problems etc – to forget everything else.

This escape is a sin that has the capacity to enslave and weaken any individual. There is the perception that the woman/man on the screen can trigger and satisfy sexual desires but pornography only leaves the observer feeling worse and exhausted. The supposed cure then becomes a curse.

Robert Peters, President of Morality in Media, stated that the primary factors contributing to the increase in porn use are the four A’s – Accessibility, Affordability, Anonymity and Addiction. The use of pornography starts by fulfilling its promise of satisfaction, after which the guilt and exhaustion set in.

Pornography focuses on fantasy and there is no way your spouse can match with that level of perfection. At times, pornography is subtly packaged, even in advertisement. For example, you see a half naked woman lying down seductively on a fridge, and you wonder what is being sold – the woman or the fridge?

It is therefore imperative to guard what you allow access to your senses. Most people entangled in the web of pornography find it hard to stop it because of its addictive nature.

Below are some of its effects:

It leads to poor sexual performance.
It destroys trust and intimacy in relationship and can also lead to the end of a marriage.
It creates obstacles to real communication and personal interaction.
It creates with its addict a distorted view of sexuality and can led to criminal sexual acts.
It draws focus away from one’s family and consumes time.
It creates a distorted self image.

Pornography is addictive in that it causes a chemical reaction in the brain close to cocaine usage. But unlike when overcoming cocaine, the pornographic images never truly leave your mind. It is therefore no wonder that pornography is equated to adultery in marriage. The best remedy therefore is ABSTINENCE.

If you are already entangled in a pornographic web, below are some tips to overcoming it:

Identify and understand that it is a sin
Confess your sin and seek counseling (James 5:16)
Don’t dwell in secrecy. Speak out and have someone hold you accountable. Sexuality experts state that no one can successfully walk the path of recovery alone. Seek help from a significant other (s). When a spouse opens up on pornographic problem, this is how the partner should respond:
- Look at your spouse through the eyes of love.
- Understand that your inadequacies are not the cause of the addiction.
- It is not your job to stop the pornography but to support your spouse as you see action oriented change.
- Don’t become too intrusive. Don’t become a member of the police department by checking his phone, computer usage etc. Let him come to you at his pace and time. Deep intrusion will only make him secretive.
- Pray for your spouse.
Cut off the source: Use a web filter to screen out potential internet websites that contain pornography. You can allow your friend who won’t divulge the password set it. (Matthew 5:30) Stick to reputable sites, and use safe search engines. If a site or link looks questionable, don’t let curiosity get the better side of you.
Use the internet wisely – don’t use the computer in a room where there is no one.
Dispose of that VCD or DVD; don’t feed your lust.
Change routine or environment that leads to pornographic usage. (Job 31:1)
Avoid all form of idleness, engaging in constructive activities, and spend less time alone especially by the computer.
Guard your heart and the five senses through which your heart is fed. (Psalm 119:9-10)
Stay in the word of God. Kirk Franklin stated that his freedom from pornography came after being taught the Truth.
Deal with the guilt that might surface after your victory.

Dr Fitzgibbons, Director of the Institute for Marital Healing near Philadelphia, emphasizes the need for a strong spiritual component if a man is to address and overcome his addiction effectively.

Parents also have a responsibility to instill in their children the right kind of values, beliefs and attitudes that will empower them to say no to these infiltrations and lies. Parents must talk openly to their children (from the age of 9 at the most) about the harmful effect of pornography and be willing to answer all sex related questions in an open and safe manner. Statistics show that “90% of children ages 8 – 16 have viewed pornography online, and children ages 12 – 17 are the single largest group of users of internet porn.” These statistics are not about to drop except the family begins to live up to her responsibility of informing and protecting the children.

Pornography is more than just images and fun; it has the capacity to destroy the human mind, relationship and family. Therefore guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. (Proverbs 4:23)

Living with an unbelieving spouse

by Nomthi Odukoya

And a woman who has a husband, who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. – 1 Corinthians 7:13-14 NKJV

If you are a believer, God specifically forbids you from marrying an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). However, if you have a spouse who is an unbeliever, the Bible does not permit you to divorce him/her. That is precisely what the opening scripture states.

You can win your spouse over with your attitude, love and dedication. So don’t give up on him because he is not a believer. And don’t look for the way out either. Remember, divorce is not the solution to any marital problem (1 Corinthians 7:12-13).

Here are things you can do:

Pray for your spouse. The spiritual governs the physical; you can win your spouse’s salvation on your knees. God can use your marriage to show His love to your spouse.
Develop the right attitude. Let your attitude and words depict Jesus (1 Peter 3:15); you don’t necessarily have to open your Bible to preach to him. 1 Peter 3:1-2 says “Wives, be submissive to your husbands, that even if some do not obey the word that they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.” Deal with him with love and respect. 1 Corinthians 13 should be your love compass.

Your spirituality is not a form of superiority; it should breed maturity in you (Philippians2:3-4). Be Christ-like in your dealings with your spouse (1 Timothy 4:12). You should strive to live peaceably with him, by being respectful and submissive.

Be careful of what you focus on. Don’t focus on the hurt – the loneliness of being in church by yourself or the harsh words that might have been directed towards your faith. Forgive his harsh actions and inconsideration. Don’t try to act like the martyr for your family; allow the Holy Spirit do His work in him.
Seek his permission before attending any service, especially if he does not like you staying out for too long or late. Now, I am not suggesting obedience to your husband to the detriment of the Word of God. But as long as his instructions are in line with the Word of God, please obey him.

You can invite him for special functions like Father’s Day, Couples’ Dinners, and Movie Nights etc. he may well be happy to come along.

Help your children to understand, if necessary, the fact that their father doesn’t know God (yet), and encourage them to pray for him as well.

You might say “I have done all the above but there is no change in him.” If you are in this situation, remember that the time and the season might not be given to us to know, but be assured that God is still in the heart-changing ministry (Proverbs 21:1).

Don’t be discouraged…

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