Author: Nomthi Odukoya

Conflict Resolution in Marriage

by Nomthi Odukoya

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Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. (Roman 12:17-18 NKJV)

When two people with different background, personalities, attitudes and idiosyncrasies decide to live together, some sparks are expected to fly. Disagreement is bound to happen in marriage but they do not have to degenerate to hurtful arguments wherein resentment, hatred and often violence or divorce can occur. Resolution of conflict in marriage is very instrumental to the success of any marriage.

If any human relationship will be successful, effective conflict resolutions skills are necessary for the management of conflicts when they arise. Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.

Marriage experts have highlighted the below as the major cause of conflict in marriage:

  • Money – Marriage counselor identify this as the major conflict that leads to divorce
  • In-laws – The type of relationship and influence one’s in-laws can have in the home sometimes cause rift in a relationship
  • Sex – This is an emotional issue. Some partner for fear of hurt or rejection refuse to discuss their feeling about sexual issues
  • Child rearing – This is an energy consuming task, and conflict arise in the area of delegation of duties or pattern of parenting

Some conflicts might require you loving confronting the issue with your partner. Below are thing to watch for when confronting an issue with your partner:

  • Your motivation ­– the purpose of the discussion should be for resolution (Matthew 5:24)
  • Conducive environment – be sensitive to the timing, location and setting. Don’t bring up the subject of conflict if your partner is just getting home from work, stressed, hungry or in front of the children
  • Conversation outlines ­– stick to the issue at hand. Concentrate on the major problem, don’t mix it up with minor problems
  • Your attitude- communication is beyond spoken words, so be cautious of your facial expression and body language

In the process of resolving conflicts, below are some pitfalls to avoid:

  • “Have it your way” – This happens if efforts at the resolution is not successful. This attitude should be avoided because it does not resolve the conflict but defers the day of outburst and revenge. Appeasing or flee the scene of the conflict does not quench the fire of conflict except if the flight is to return to the issue later when there is less tension.
  • “Must have it my way” – This is a selfish tendency that inhibits the progress of resolution process
  • “Have it any way you want” – This is the stage of indifference that is not productivity for any home.

If you and your partner have a difference of opinion, try approaching conflict with some of these guidelines in mind:

  • Pray about the conflict before discussing with your partner
  • Never use the silent treatment
  • Don’t play the blame game, take responsibility for your error
  • Don’t sweep the conflict under the rug either (Hebrews 12:15)
  • Agree to always listen to each other’s feeling even if you disagree with the appropriateness of the feeling (Proverbs 15:1)
  • Never say anything derogatory about your partner’s personality (Proverbs 11:12)
  • Be honest about your emotions but keep them under control (Proverbs 29:11)
  • Don’t try to dominate or monopolize the discussion, allow your partner air his views
  • Determine to always make it work, each should commit to 100% to the resolution (50-50 rule rarely works) (Romans 12:18)
  • Find out facts rather than guessing or assuming motives and actions. Don’t be a mind reader.
  • Don’t jump into conclusion, communicate and talk things over (Proverbs 18:13)
  • Take care of problems that hurt the feeling in the relationship first, then focus on problem of difference in opinion
  • Don’t involve friends, family or in-laws except in extreme cases
  • Attack the issue not the person; don’t attack each other. Eliminate statements such as “You are, you never, you always” instead use “I feel”
  • Never counter-attack or seek revenge (Romans 12:17, 19)
  • Don’t keep an idle mind or meditate on the wrong done
  • Don’t fight over little things. No one is perfect, don’t complain about every little thing
  • Be willing to compromise and forgive (Ephesians 4:23) once an offence has been forgive, it means it has been wiped off the slate and would not be revisited in future discussion nor a consequence given. 1 Corinthians 13 says “Love keeps no record of wrong”.

When you say “am sorry”, mean it and don’t repeat the same mistake again

  • The resolution of the conflict is most important, not who wins or lose. Find a common ground.

Conflict in itself is not bad because it simply reflects your difference; however, unresolved conflict is like cancer eating away at the very core of the home. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath (Ephesians 4:23). Pray about the issue if need be and address it accordingly.

Your partner is not the cause of your anger, it is an emotion that resides within and can be controlled.

 

 

Communication in Marriage

by Nomthi Odukoya

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“Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” (Colossians 4:6 NKJV)

Communication is an art necessary for the success of any relationship. It is beyond spoken words, it involves emotions, facial expressions, tone, body language etc. Men and women communicate differently, so it is therefore imperative that you learn to be an effective communicator and listener.

Effective communication involves letting your partner know where you are emotionally, intellectually and physically, it is not a shallow discussion of events and people.

Experts have identified five levels of communication in marriage:

  1. Frivolous level – casual talking, level of acquaintance
  2. Factual level – sharing information, digging into the knowledge of various subjects
  3. Fellowship level – sharing of ideas, judgments and philosophies. At this stage one can risk rejection of beliefs.
  4. Feeling level – sharing of emotions and feelings
  5. Freedom level – gut level sharing. Complete openness with mate. Sharing of deepest fears, dreams, ideas or feelings without fear of rejection. This is the secret of lasting love.

It is estimated that humans spend 70% of our waking time communicating, 30% of which is talking. This means that over half of our communication is non-verbal. We therefore have to be aware of what we communicate with our bodies as well as with our words.

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House or Home

by Nomthi Odukoya

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A house is built with cement, sand and water but a home is built with love, joy, peace and friendship. Often, people prioritise security measures such as big gates, security guards, police escorts and CCTV, and although this is not to say that these security measures are not important, the most important security a home can have is that of love, laughter and goodwill. The foundational building block of the society – the family – is gradually crumbling, as there is an increase in the number of homeless people living in big houses. Yes, it is possible to live within four walls and a roof and be homeless.

With so much strife and stress wrought upon us by the outside world, the home should be a haven or place of refuge. According to Maslow, in the hierarchy of human needs, safety is the second most fundamental human need, after basic physiological needs such as food, sleep, breathing etc. Safety is not just about physical dangers; we also need to feel safe and secure within our families. We are in a constant fight for safety, be it financial, health or job security, which is why our home should be our safe place.

Proverbs 25:24 says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house with a contentious woman.” This goes some way to explain why many bars and hangouts are filled at night. Husbands and children would rather stay out late than deal with a contentious home.

As a woman, you have the power to determine the atmosphere in your home; so set out to ensure that your home is a peaceful, loving environment. It has been said that “Safety is not the absence of danger; it is the presence of God.” Allow the presence of God to saturate your home. Psalm 16:11 says “In the presence of the Lord, there is fullness of joy and at His right hand are pleasures forevermore.”

Even if your spouse annoys you, the Bible says to forgive seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22). Don’t allow the sun to go down on your wrath; resolve every issue before going to bed. Apologize even if you are the offended party – then, once peace has been restored, seek to calmly discuss the issues to prevent them from reoccurring. Don’t always seek your own way; there is no shame in being wrong. Appreciate your spouse’s little efforts and pay him compliments.

Don’t let the devil distract you by making your home unsecured. As imperfect as we all are, your home should be a reflection of heaven on earth.

Money Talks – till “death” do us part, not till “debt” do us part

by Nomthi Odukoya

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Money affects our actions on a daily basis. Everyday decisions, for example: should I take a bus or a cab, should I eat out or at home, can I afford this new dress – and so on. These choices are all affected by money. .

Since money has such an effect on our daily lives, one would expect it to be an important topic of discussion during courtship. Too much concern about your intended spouse’s financial wellbeing might make you look materialistic. The topic of money is almost treated as a taboo in relationships. Finance is rarely discussed before marriage; people assume that they know their partner’s financial mind-set and capacity. However, to ignore finance is to ignore the number one cause of broken marriages. According to Larry Burkett “Money is the #1 cause of divorce, not to mention the major cause of all marital fights.” This is heightened as opposite personalities tend to attract; so a spendthrift could in all probability end up dating or married to a penny-pincher.

I’m not saying that you should bring up the issue of money in the early stages of a new relationship, or with someone you are casually dating or have no future with; this might well scare the person off, but one shouldn’t be afraid to broach the subject.

Gender plays a major role in financial decisions. Men are known to take more risks and not save for emergencies, while women see money as a measure of security, and gravitate towards rainy-day funds. These attributes are not cast in stone, as women are increasingly taking on risks.

I remember the story of a girl who wanted to break-up with her fiancé because he bought her a Bible on her birthday.

“I can’t take it anymore,” she exclaimed.

“Don’t you like the Bible?” she was asked.

“It’s not that,” she replied. “He is just always stingy. He can afford to buy me something expensive but he won’t because he thinks it is being wasteful.”

Obviously, their views about spending differ. Their differences, if understood and harnessed, could be complementary and provide a safety net against extremes. A famous cleric and counsellor said, “The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” The critical issue is to walk hand in hand, appreciating your differences. Amos 3:3 says, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” This togetherness requires that certain questions regarding finance be discussed before you say ‘I do’.

  • What is his attitude concerning savings?
  • What is his attitude towards loans and repayment?
  • When you eat out, does he check the bill before paying?
  • Will you be splitting bills?
  • Should you have a joint account?
  • What financial decisions can be made independently and what decisions should be made jointly?
  • What is his attitude to you earning more than him?

Please understand that I am not in any way advocating marrying for money, but a sense of economic responsibility is required from whomever you decide to marry. Don’t say, “I don’t care about money” and then secretly harbour resentment against your spouse for not providing the lifestyle you expected. Remember it’s until “death” do us part, not until “debt” do us part. Can you live with his financial decisions?

Don’t assume that because you and your partner don’t think alike, you cannot get married. Opposite viewpoints can provide tremendous balance and strength to a relationship. However, understanding is needed to make it work.

Don’t ever think you can change anyone either; they formed their habits long before they met you and are unlikely to change because of you.

Courtship is the time to get to know your partner. Make sure you understand his/her opinion on financial matters and put your opinions across too. Then agree on how you would structure your finances as a couple if you were to get married.

Unequally Yoked

by Nomthi Odukoya

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“Does my Pastor hate me? Why is she so against my new boyfriend?”She asked in exasperation. “Can’t she see that he is better than all the other ‘brothers’ I have dated? He opens the car door for me, allows me to win every argument while subtly stating his opinion, and showers me with gifts and attention. Even his family practically adores me, and he does not stop me from serving God. What more can I ask for? If it’s about his belief in God, I can change that once we are married.”

This statement is used far too frequently as the justification for dating an unbeliever: “I can change him.”

More often than not, this ends up being a wish, and not a reality. Do you really believe that you have the capacity to change anyone?

The choice of who to marry is one of the most important in life; some might say the second most important decision you can make – after giving your life to Christ. To make it based on a belief that your spouse might change his beliefs is a chance that you shouldn’t take, as a decision that will determine your future shouldn’t be left to chance.

The Bible is clear that we shouldn’t marry an unbeliever, and the reality is that God will not bend his rules because of you. 2Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?” So to disobey God and then expect Him to fix it for you is unwise. Ignoring Biblical instruction and then believing God to change your spouse/boyfriend could be likened to boxing yourself in a cage, throwing away the key and then expecting God to break you out.

You cannot change anybody’s heart –that is the job of the Holy Spirit. So unless you have swapped job descriptions with Him (Holy Spirit) you will be frustrated.

This instruction not to date or marry an unbeliever is for your benefit, not God’s. There have been a few cases where the guy does change but these are exceptions, not the rule. You can avoid heartbreak or a failed marriage by heeding Biblical instruction. If your partner is a true Christian with the fear of God, it will be easier for you to overcome the inevitable trials of marriage.

I am not saying that if your boyfriend/spouse is a Christian, you will not have issues. However the advantage is that you both can state your problem before God and jointly believe Him for a change. Ecclesiastes 4:9 says that two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labour. It is also easier to handle temptation if you have same beliefs – as neither of you will do anything to entice the other to sin.

If you eventually get married to an unbeliever, the disparity between your belief systems could be confusing to the mind of little children who would see their parents profess different faiths. Naturally you will want your children to know, love and serve God, but if one of their parents does not, there is every chance that they could grow up to be unbelievers also. Why put the salvation of your children at risk? There is a Christian man with the fear of God for you.

Avoid an unequal yoke…

Sex education and your little children

by Nomthi Odukoya

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“Mummy, can I have sex?” Joy asked

“Ehn??  Sex? No ooo, you must not till you marry” her mother stammers.

“Can I at least kiss?”

“Don’t kiss either” her mother replies and walks out, shocked at her daughter’s questions but leaving the child more confused by not offering further information.

The trepidation with which parents approach sexual related talks with their children is disheartening. Most parents would rather relinquish the role to schoolteachers or the mass media. Although I do not wish to condemn this, after all teachers are supposed to instruct our children, however, most of the teachings are purely concerned with the physical act of sex. Other parents put down a blanket rule of sex being banned with the reasons given being “Because I said so!” or “Because God said it’s a sin!” Others, feeling it is inevitable, may hand their son or daughter a condom and tell them to “be safe.”  The child thereby tolls the old path of“experience is the best teacher”.

Proverb 22: 6 says “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it”. Sexual education should start at an early age however the degree of information should be age appropriate.  As a child grows, certain sexual related questions will arise and it is the parent’s responsibility to proactively answer the questions. The parent may have to compete with the hyper sexualized media, tolerant sex education in the school, peer pressure and the child’s desire to explore.

Taking into account the number of competing alternative information sources, it is imperative to constantly pray for and with your children. As you pray, the Lord will build a hedge around your children.

Talking to your children about sex and sexuality can be uncomfortable at first but with time and practice, it will get easier.Seize teachable moments as they occur, the discussion could be initiated from watching a movie on puberty or sex, or seeing a pregnant teenage neighbour. Tell your daughter where NO ONE should ever touch her until she is married – with the exception of a medical doctor if she needs to be examined. She should also start cleaning herself from an earlyage.

Let me point out here that certain myths as told to us by our parents like “if you use a guy’s toilet you will be pregnant”, “Don’t go near the guy’s hostel lest you be fried and eaten” etc. might not be applicable to this generation, given their level of exposure. You have to be realistic in your explanations and conversation with your children.

Other things to do asides the teaching:

  1. Develop a relationship with your children so that they can tell you anything.
  2. Build trust in your children. Most children don’t tell their parent if they are being harassed or molested sexually because the perpetrator tells them “no one will believe you” or threatens their safety and the child believes him/her (the molester).
  3. Let your children trust you with their secrets and also believe that you trust them and will believe them if they tell you, even if it about their stepfather or uncle. In 2 Samuel 13, Absalom took the law into his own hands because David did nothing about Tamar’s rape- do something within the confinement of the law of your land and the laws of God.
  4. Ensure parental control on certain movies and videos.
  5. Be watchful of the environment in which your child is allowed to stay. Don’t allow your child stay unguarded with anyone of the opposite sex. The devil can use anyone that yields to him.

Given the increase in the rate of child molestation, the below are signs to watch out for in children:

  1. Withdrawal – sudden withdraw from people including her family and friends or becoming unnecessarily clingy.
  2. Becoming unusually secretive
  3. Sudden personality change, mood swings or insecurity
  4. Acting in an inappropriate sexual way with toys or objects
  5. Regression to infantile behaviours such as bedwetting, thumb sucking etc.
  6. Sudden reluctance to being left alone with a particular child or person
  7. New adult word for body part and no obvious source
  8. Physical signs such as unexplainable bruises or pain in the genital or mouth.

If you notice any of the above sign(s), create a dialogue and ask questions. No evil will befall your children in Jesus name.

 

Also read “RAPE!!! Unmask it”in the link below:

http://familybliss.nomthiodukoya.org/2013/07/23/rape-unmask-it/

 

 

Who is responsible for the pregnancy?

by Nomthi Odukoya

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“And who is responsible for your pregnancy?” he quizzed with a serious look on his face.

“You” she stutters, not because she is not sure, but the audacity of his question rocked her. He knows he is her only boyfriend.

I am sure you can figure out the end of the story. The girl is left with two options: either have an abortion or raise a fatherless child by herself. God admonishes that sex should be within the confinement of marriage. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is honorable by all and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge“ and 1Cor 6:18 says, “Flee sexual immorality”.

Let’s replay that same scenario in a marriage setting, and here is what you hear.

“Honey, we are pregnant”. She squeals

“I am going to be a Father?You are not working for now; I don’t want anything to happen to my daughter”, he exclaims excitedly while rubbing her stomach

“No, it’s a boy” she responds

“It’s a girl”, he insists as he places his ears to her stomach and the joy goes on…

The above reactions are not cast in stone, as situations vary. But the disparity in the two responses is common in the different scenarios. Our world is rapidly evolving in such a way that being a virgin is seen as an embarrassing social status, whilst being sexually active at a young age is being normalized.With television shows, such as MTV‘s ‘16 and pregnant’, seemingly celebrating the decisions of teenagers to engage in pre-marital sex, chastity is increasingly becoming a tough decision to uphold. But regardless of what the world accepts and approves of, the standard of God will not be compromised.

Chastity before marriage is the key.

How is it possible?

ABSTINENCE!!

Is this the only way?? Yes. It is the only guaranteed guide against unwanted pregnancy. Don’t be deceived by condoms, both male and female condoms can break even if you both wear more than one. The Bible instructs against sex before marriage- 1 Thess 4:3-5 says “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honour, not in passion or lust like the Gentiles who do not know God”.

Guard your access. Not just access to your body, but access to your mind- don’t watch erotic movies or videos or read pornographic magazines and expect your mind to be pure.

Don’t stay alone in an enclosed place with the opposite sex. Let your boyfriend know when you need to go outside to be in the company of others. Don’t assume your strength against sexual desires.

Don’t use sex to sustain a relationship. If a man loves you, he will protect you even from himself. Sex does not keep a man neither does it guarantee a good home.

What are the possible consequences?

  1. Complications during pregnancy like weak pelvic bones, obstetric fistula. The World Health Organisation (WHO) states that stillbirth and newborn death are 50% higher among infants born to adolescent mothers.
  2. The mother might have to dropout from school and the possibility of giving the child a good life and education is lowered.
  3. Shame and ridicule from family and friends.
  4. Abortion if the man refuses paternity of the child.WHO estimates that 3million unsafe abortions occur globally every year amongst teens. Adolescent pregnancy is a major contributor to maternal and child mortality, and to the vicious cycle of ill-health and poverty.

Aside from the physical aspects of pre-marital sex, there is also the spiritual damage caused by it.Sex outside of marriage leads to an emotional imbalance, as every person you have sex with takes a piece of you and you also take a piece of them. Sex is a spiritual exchange;the Bible says “two will become one flesh” (Mark 10:8). It is not just an exchange of emotions or body fluids, it involves your spirit, that why some people are bonded with someone they have had sex with, and he seem to also have a reign over them.

If you are already pregnant, understand that you are not alone. It can be scary and lonely and you should talk to your parent, counsellor or Pastor. Don’t opt for an abortion; you have a human being developing within you (21days after conception, the child’s heart is already beating).You are valuable to God regardless of where you have been or what you have done. Make a decision to live for Him going forward and watch him decorate your life.

 

 

Forgive

by Nomthi Odukoya

Then Peter came to Him and said, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times? Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.  – Matthew 18:21-22

Ever been hurt so bad, you can think of nothing but revenge?

As a human being, you will be offended – you may be scolded, jilted, raped, abandoned or betrayed and the natural instinct will be to coil in self-protection or seek revenge. Neither helps the situation. You should look beyond the hurt; forgive and be healed. A hurting person will hurt others, thereby creating a vicious circle of avoidable hurts and pain.

You might not be able to control other people’s actions or decisions, but you can control yours. There is a popular adage that “you cannot stop a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop it from perching on your head.” Being offended is a choice, choose to forgive. C.S Lewis says “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”

Unforgiveness wraps you in the past, which makes it impossible to enjoy the present or the future. New relationships will not be formed or enjoyed until past hurts are allowed to go. Really, there is no point holding on to the past. It is like tying yourself to a tree and expecting to move forward; you will only end up with bruises and expelled energy. It’s time to cut the chains of unforgiveness and move forward. It is medically proven that cold and flu (as well as other sicknesses) can easily develop where there are angry emotions. You don’t need it.

Forgiveness is a sign of emotional and spiritual maturity. Mahatma Gandhi said “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” It does not come easy to man; it is a conscious decision with the help of God.

Do you find it difficult or impossible to forgive? Here is how to go about it:

  1. Acknowledge the pain or hurt.
  2. Honestly address your feelings: realise that the hate you feel does not harm the person like you wish – it is like drinking poison and waiting for your offender to die.
  3. Look for the positive or benefit from the hurt: he left you so that God can bring someone better and more deserving your way.
  4. Deliberately refuse to dwell on the past or tell the story, and if you must, tell it from the other person’s perspective.
  5. Pray for the person.
  6. Trust God to heal your heart.
  7. Set better boundaries – not to shut yourself in but to define your relationships going forward.

Sometimes, you might have to apologise though you are the offended. The truth is that it will make you a better person.

Forgive….

It Is Morning

by Nomthi Odukoya

Build houses and dwell in them; plant gardens and eat their fruits. Take wives and beget sons and daughters; and take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands, so that they may bear sons and daughters – that you may be increased there, and not diminished. And seek the peace of the city where I have caused you to be carried away captive, and pray to the Lord for it; for in its peace you will have peace. Jeremiah 29:-5-7

I have heard that the phrase “there is a blessing in singleness” is a cliché! But it is similar to what God was saying to the children of Israel: be blessed while in captivity. This indicates that some miracles will require a waiting period and a being blessed during the wait.

The gap between when heaven seems silent and when the miracle happens is your waiting period. And the duration of waiting differs. It depends majorly on God’s providence and your ability to quickly understand what He is trying to teach you.

Are you waiting on God for a life partner? Have you prayed, fasted, seemingly done all there is to do but there is no response? To you, your biological clock is ticking yet it seems that God is not in a hurry. It simply means that God is taking you through the process of waiting. James 1:3-4 says “…knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete lacking nothing.” God could have rescued the children of Israel, but He decided to make them wait till they were complete before the deliverance came.

While waiting for the right person, don’t put your life on hold: get that degree, go for the promotion, buy the car or house, start that ministry. Simply put, do something while you wait like God command the child of Israel.

Be successful; seek ways to help others while you wait. Time waits for no one and every minute lost cannot be regained, so use your time wisely. Zacharias continued in the place of service while waiting for a son. One day the Angel of God appeared to him with his miracle (Luke 1:7-8).  Your one day is here! Arise, shine!

Don’t allow the temporary situation of being alone make you desperate and settle for less than God has for you. Desperation breeds mistakes. Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thought of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” God has a plan for you.

While in prison, Joseph was a successful dream interpreter till one day, when his gift made way for him. The butler remembered him and Pharaoh asked that he be brought quickly (Genesis 41:14). I believe that the Word of God is coming for you to be brought quickly to the front of the line.

Several times in the Bible, the psalmist practically cried “Come quickly, Lord.” I am sure we all identify with the writer. We sometimes hope the Lord will answer NOW?  But scriptures say our ways are not His ways, neither are our thoughts His thoughts. The blessed assurance is: “Though weeping may endure for the night, joy comes in the morning.”

Look out of your window, it is morning!

Rape!!! Unmask It…

by Nomthi Odukoya

He took hold of her hand and said to her ‘come, lie with me, my sister, but she answered him, ‘no, my brother, do not force me, for no such thing should be done in Israel, do not do this disgraceful thing! And I, where could I take my shame? And as for you, you would be like one of the fools in Israel. Now, therefore, please speak with the king; for he will not withhold me from you.’ However, he would not heed her voice; and being stronger than she, he forced her and lay with her. – 2 Samuel 13:11-14

Is beauty a blessing or a curse?

I think Tamar must have asked herself this question knowing she had done nothing to deserve being raped by her half-brother Amnon. The truth is that sometimes bad things happen to good people—this is just the devil’s attempt to thwart destinies. But the devil cannot destroy in time what he did not create in eternity.

Rape is one of the ways the devil tries to silence women. This is because most rape victims never truly heal and forget the hurt. But here are some ways to handle rape.

1)    Accept that it has happened and it was not your fault. Don’t live in denial and don’t play the blame game. It is not your fault it happened! There is never an excuse to rape someone regardless of what they are wearing etc.

2)    Speak up. Tell your parent, guardian or counsellor. Don’t keep it a secret; evil thrives in secrecy. Expose it for what it is. Given the stoic society we live in, certain experiences are never voiced out and the victims simply suffer in silence. Sometimes, the family of the abused may even blame the victim. Generations have therefore suffered from this evil act because victims have refused to speak for fear of public criticism/ridicule, stigmatization or because “no one will believe me”. We will believe, so speak up!

3)    Go for medical examination.

4)    Forgive the perpetrator(s).

Forgive??? Yes, forgive. It might be hard but it’s a decision you have to take because there is no reason to add unforgiveness to the hurt. Unforgiveness is like taking poison and expecting someone else to die. The perpetrator is not worth that emotion. Forgiveness also helps you heal faster. You might not have control over the past or present occurrence, but you have the ability to control your future. Don’t let someone’s action destroy your future.

You can demand justice, but do it the right way with forgiveness in your heart. Absalom’s hatred for the act perpetrated by Amnon made him revenge by killing his brother and he ended up in exile (2 Samuel 13:29, 34). Did the murder of Amnon help Tamar in any way? I don’t think so; maybe some fleeting satisfaction but it did not change her condition.

5)    Watch your company and guard your environment. Don’t stay alone with anyone of the opposite sex in an enclosed place. Amnon was Tamar’s half-brother; the devil can use any vessel that yields to him. Don’t stay alone and unguarded.

6)    Allow God heal and restore you. Hebrews 4:15 says we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses. There has been a peculiar case where God restored the virginity of a raped girl on her wedding night that her husband could not believe her claim that she had been raped as a child. This however does not happen in all cases.

Virginity is not a test of spirituality, so whether your virginity is restored or not, allow the balm of Gilead heal your heart and hurts.

Understand that you are worthy and valuable in God’s eyes. God says he will give double honour for your shame (Isaiah 61:7). Joyce Meyer wrote about how she was raped by her father, yet God is using her tremendously. God holds your destiny in His hands and no devil can thwart it.

Whatever the devil has seemingly taken, God will heal and restore. He will give beauty for ashes, oil of joy for mourning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.

You are loved and special to God.