Singles

Unequally Yoked

by Nomthi Odukoya

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“Does my Pastor hate me? Why is she so against my new boyfriend?”She asked in exasperation. “Can’t she see that he is better than all the other ‘brothers’ I have dated? He opens the car door for me, allows me to win every argument while subtly stating his opinion, and showers me with gifts and attention. Even his family practically adores me, and he does not stop me from serving God. What more can I ask for? If it’s about his belief in God, I can change that once we are married.”

This statement is used far too frequently as the justification for dating an unbeliever: “I can change him.”

More often than not, this ends up being a wish, and not a reality. Do you really believe that you have the capacity to change anyone?

The choice of who to marry is one of the most important in life; some might say the second most important decision you can make – after giving your life to Christ. To make it based on a belief that your spouse might change his beliefs is a chance that you shouldn’t take, as a decision that will determine your future shouldn’t be left to chance.

The Bible is clear that we shouldn’t marry an unbeliever, and the reality is that God will not bend his rules because of you. 2Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?” So to disobey God and then expect Him to fix it for you is unwise. Ignoring Biblical instruction and then believing God to change your spouse/boyfriend could be likened to boxing yourself in a cage, throwing away the key and then expecting God to break you out.

You cannot change anybody’s heart –that is the job of the Holy Spirit. So unless you have swapped job descriptions with Him (Holy Spirit) you will be frustrated.

This instruction not to date or marry an unbeliever is for your benefit, not God’s. There have been a few cases where the guy does change but these are exceptions, not the rule. You can avoid heartbreak or a failed marriage by heeding Biblical instruction. If your partner is a true Christian with the fear of God, it will be easier for you to overcome the inevitable trials of marriage.

I am not saying that if your boyfriend/spouse is a Christian, you will not have issues. However the advantage is that you both can state your problem before God and jointly believe Him for a change. Ecclesiastes 4:9 says that two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labour. It is also easier to handle temptation if you have same beliefs – as neither of you will do anything to entice the other to sin.

If you eventually get married to an unbeliever, the disparity between your belief systems could be confusing to the mind of little children who would see their parents profess different faiths. Naturally you will want your children to know, love and serve God, but if one of their parents does not, there is every chance that they could grow up to be unbelievers also. Why put the salvation of your children at risk? There is a Christian man with the fear of God for you.

Avoid an unequal yoke…

Who is responsible for the pregnancy?

by Nomthi Odukoya

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“And who is responsible for your pregnancy?” he quizzed with a serious look on his face.

“You” she stutters, not because she is not sure, but the audacity of his question rocked her. He knows he is her only boyfriend.

I am sure you can figure out the end of the story. The girl is left with two options: either have an abortion or raise a fatherless child by herself. God admonishes that sex should be within the confinement of marriage. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is honorable by all and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge“ and 1Cor 6:18 says, “Flee sexual immorality”.

Let’s replay that same scenario in a marriage setting, and here is what you hear.

“Honey, we are pregnant”. She squeals

“I am going to be a Father?You are not working for now; I don’t want anything to happen to my daughter”, he exclaims excitedly while rubbing her stomach

“No, it’s a boy” she responds

“It’s a girl”, he insists as he places his ears to her stomach and the joy goes on…

The above reactions are not cast in stone, as situations vary. But the disparity in the two responses is common in the different scenarios. Our world is rapidly evolving in such a way that being a virgin is seen as an embarrassing social status, whilst being sexually active at a young age is being normalized.With television shows, such as MTV‘s ‘16 and pregnant’, seemingly celebrating the decisions of teenagers to engage in pre-marital sex, chastity is increasingly becoming a tough decision to uphold. But regardless of what the world accepts and approves of, the standard of God will not be compromised.

Chastity before marriage is the key.

How is it possible?

ABSTINENCE!!

Is this the only way?? Yes. It is the only guaranteed guide against unwanted pregnancy. Don’t be deceived by condoms, both male and female condoms can break even if you both wear more than one. The Bible instructs against sex before marriage- 1 Thess 4:3-5 says “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honour, not in passion or lust like the Gentiles who do not know God”.

Guard your access. Not just access to your body, but access to your mind- don’t watch erotic movies or videos or read pornographic magazines and expect your mind to be pure.

Don’t stay alone in an enclosed place with the opposite sex. Let your boyfriend know when you need to go outside to be in the company of others. Don’t assume your strength against sexual desires.

Don’t use sex to sustain a relationship. If a man loves you, he will protect you even from himself. Sex does not keep a man neither does it guarantee a good home.

What are the possible consequences?

  1. Complications during pregnancy like weak pelvic bones, obstetric fistula. The World Health Organisation (WHO) states that stillbirth and newborn death are 50% higher among infants born to adolescent mothers.
  2. The mother might have to dropout from school and the possibility of giving the child a good life and education is lowered.
  3. Shame and ridicule from family and friends.
  4. Abortion if the man refuses paternity of the child.WHO estimates that 3million unsafe abortions occur globally every year amongst teens. Adolescent pregnancy is a major contributor to maternal and child mortality, and to the vicious cycle of ill-health and poverty.

Aside from the physical aspects of pre-marital sex, there is also the spiritual damage caused by it.Sex outside of marriage leads to an emotional imbalance, as every person you have sex with takes a piece of you and you also take a piece of them. Sex is a spiritual exchange;the Bible says “two will become one flesh” (Mark 10:8). It is not just an exchange of emotions or body fluids, it involves your spirit, that why some people are bonded with someone they have had sex with, and he seem to also have a reign over them.

If you are already pregnant, understand that you are not alone. It can be scary and lonely and you should talk to your parent, counsellor or Pastor. Don’t opt for an abortion; you have a human being developing within you (21days after conception, the child’s heart is already beating).You are valuable to God regardless of where you have been or what you have done. Make a decision to live for Him going forward and watch him decorate your life.

 

 

Forgive

by Nomthi Odukoya

Then Peter came to Him and said, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times? Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.  – Matthew 18:21-22

Ever been hurt so bad, you can think of nothing but revenge?

As a human being, you will be offended – you may be scolded, jilted, raped, abandoned or betrayed and the natural instinct will be to coil in self-protection or seek revenge. Neither helps the situation. You should look beyond the hurt; forgive and be healed. A hurting person will hurt others, thereby creating a vicious circle of avoidable hurts and pain.

You might not be able to control other people’s actions or decisions, but you can control yours. There is a popular adage that “you cannot stop a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop it from perching on your head.” Being offended is a choice, choose to forgive. C.S Lewis says “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”

Unforgiveness wraps you in the past, which makes it impossible to enjoy the present or the future. New relationships will not be formed or enjoyed until past hurts are allowed to go. Really, there is no point holding on to the past. It is like tying yourself to a tree and expecting to move forward; you will only end up with bruises and expelled energy. It’s time to cut the chains of unforgiveness and move forward. It is medically proven that cold and flu (as well as other sicknesses) can easily develop where there are angry emotions. You don’t need it.

Forgiveness is a sign of emotional and spiritual maturity. Mahatma Gandhi said “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” It does not come easy to man; it is a conscious decision with the help of God.

Do you find it difficult or impossible to forgive? Here is how to go about it:

  1. Acknowledge the pain or hurt.
  2. Honestly address your feelings: realise that the hate you feel does not harm the person like you wish – it is like drinking poison and waiting for your offender to die.
  3. Look for the positive or benefit from the hurt: he left you so that God can bring someone better and more deserving your way.
  4. Deliberately refuse to dwell on the past or tell the story, and if you must, tell it from the other person’s perspective.
  5. Pray for the person.
  6. Trust God to heal your heart.
  7. Set better boundaries – not to shut yourself in but to define your relationships going forward.

Sometimes, you might have to apologise though you are the offended. The truth is that it will make you a better person.

Forgive….

It Is Morning

by Nomthi Odukoya

Build houses and dwell in them; plant gardens and eat their fruits. Take wives and beget sons and daughters; and take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands, so that they may bear sons and daughters – that you may be increased there, and not diminished. And seek the peace of the city where I have caused you to be carried away captive, and pray to the Lord for it; for in its peace you will have peace. Jeremiah 29:-5-7

I have heard that the phrase “there is a blessing in singleness” is a cliché! But it is similar to what God was saying to the children of Israel: be blessed while in captivity. This indicates that some miracles will require a waiting period and a being blessed during the wait.

The gap between when heaven seems silent and when the miracle happens is your waiting period. And the duration of waiting differs. It depends majorly on God’s providence and your ability to quickly understand what He is trying to teach you.

Are you waiting on God for a life partner? Have you prayed, fasted, seemingly done all there is to do but there is no response? To you, your biological clock is ticking yet it seems that God is not in a hurry. It simply means that God is taking you through the process of waiting. James 1:3-4 says “…knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete lacking nothing.” God could have rescued the children of Israel, but He decided to make them wait till they were complete before the deliverance came.

While waiting for the right person, don’t put your life on hold: get that degree, go for the promotion, buy the car or house, start that ministry. Simply put, do something while you wait like God command the child of Israel.

Be successful; seek ways to help others while you wait. Time waits for no one and every minute lost cannot be regained, so use your time wisely. Zacharias continued in the place of service while waiting for a son. One day the Angel of God appeared to him with his miracle (Luke 1:7-8).  Your one day is here! Arise, shine!

Don’t allow the temporary situation of being alone make you desperate and settle for less than God has for you. Desperation breeds mistakes. Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thought of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” God has a plan for you.

While in prison, Joseph was a successful dream interpreter till one day, when his gift made way for him. The butler remembered him and Pharaoh asked that he be brought quickly (Genesis 41:14). I believe that the Word of God is coming for you to be brought quickly to the front of the line.

Several times in the Bible, the psalmist practically cried “Come quickly, Lord.” I am sure we all identify with the writer. We sometimes hope the Lord will answer NOW?  But scriptures say our ways are not His ways, neither are our thoughts His thoughts. The blessed assurance is: “Though weeping may endure for the night, joy comes in the morning.”

Look out of your window, it is morning!

Indecent Proposal

by Nomthi Odukoya

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After an awkward breakup with Soji, my ex-boyfriend of four years, I met a married man with three kids. We worked together – what a cliche! I’d always seen him at work but we didn’t really start talking until I’d split up with my boyfriend and started going out more with people from work. He was completely upfront about his marriage because we were just friends in a large group of work colleagues, but he professed his love and his willingness to leave his wife for me.

I was so upset from the break up that I wasn’t thinking straight. My married colleague gave me many gifts and money, and also paid me a lot of attention when I was feeling particularly low and at first I found it easy to pretend that his wife didn’t exist and besides, the secrecy really made it more exciting.

His wife was away working about 2 weeks of each month so I thought nothing of going to his house. I spent most of my time waiting for him to call and ask me to go over, as we could never make plans because obviously she would come first. I even found myself cancelling plans with friends just in case he’d call.

He only ever came to my house once, after inviting me over and I refused. An hour later he was at my doorstep but first thing the next morning, he couldn’t have left any quicker.
One day, I went to his house while his wife was away, we watched a movie, had dinner, went to bed. We woke up to the sound of the front door closing because she’d come back early to surprise him. I was absolutely terrified and grabbed my clothes but he wouldn’t let me out of the room and made me hide behind the door just before she walked in. He managed to convince her that they should go out for breakfast and I left after they did.

On the way home, he called me apologizing profusely and I finally summoned up the courage to ask him never to contact me again, and he never has. I wasted two years of my life to nothing. Some mutual friends later told me that I was only one in a long line of women he’d cheated on his wife with.

Daniel 11:32 says ‘those who do wickedly against the covenant he shall corrupt with flattery; but the people who know their God shall be strong and carry out great exploits.’ With every decision to compromise the word of God, we shortchange our destiny and blessings – the prodigal son lost access to his inheritance because of fleeting pleasure – every step outside the covering of the covenant leads to problems.

Affairs are (initially) exciting. As the married man can only make time for her sporadically (depending on when he can steal away from his family), the other woman doesn’t take him for granted.  There is passion and lust. Proverbs 9:17 says ‘stolen water is sweet and bread eaten in secret is pleasant’. In many cases what is so attractive about the man is his unavailability. The sense of conquest makes their illicit union sweeter and, if he was single, he might be less attractive.

For various reasons; be it growing up in a broken home or previous bad relationships, women who continually date married men are often scared of the idea of marriage. They do not really want a committed relationship so they sabotage their chances of finding one by going after men that belong to another. Oh she might outwardly bemoan the fact that he hasn’t left his wife yet but at the end of the day this woman enjoys being this man’s escape from reality. When he is with her, he’s charming, attentive and romantic; she doesn’t have to deal with the reality of him on a daily basis; she doesn’t have to cook for him, clean up after him or tiptoe around him when he’s had a bad day at work.

Even if the other woman believes he will someday divorce his wife, the honest truth is that this is unlikely to happen, because she is just a temporal distraction. More importantly is the wickedness being done against the covenant of marriage and the scriptures cannot be broken; those who do not know their God will be abased.

Galatians 6:7 says “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap”. Proverbs 22:8 puts it like this: ‘he who sows iniquity will reap sorrow,’ Why plant a bad seed? It will germinate and you will definitely reap a harvest. You may say, “ooh, life is not being fair”, but the reality is that you get from life what you determine to put in. Determine to do the right thing, knowing it’s a seed you are sowing and that your harvest is sure.

God will bring YOUR OWN man – don’t live with an indecent proposal!

Are there still Eligible Men/Women

by Nomthi Odukoya

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‘…Our father is old and there is no man on the earth to come in to us, as is the custom of all the earth.’ Genesis 19:31′ (NKJV)

There is an ideology that the pool of eligible bachelors shrinks with age. This line of thinking stresses that there is a shortage of single men in relation to single women, thereby putting ladies under undue pressure.

This supposed scarcity of eligible men/women after a certain age is a hoax. God always has a plan and a remnant. If you are above 30 years of age and single, you may begin to wonder if there is something wrong with you or if God has forgotten you. Sometimes, friends and family may question your single status.  The good news is, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and God has not forgotten you. According to Isaiah 49:16 God says, ‘I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me.’ In other words, God constantly remembers and cares for his children. Be assured that God has not forgotten you and He has a plan for you.

This erroneous belief is not new – in fact the Bible shows us that this fear has pervaded the hearts of women from time immemorial.

In Genesis 19, the daughters of Lot committed incest with their father because they believed that there were no eligible bachelors to marry them after they left Sodom. They forgot to look to the Almighty God that brought them out of Sodom and Gomorrah for marital supply. God is concerned about every area of our lives including who and when we marry. In Genesis 24:12-15, Abraham’s servant prayed for a wife for Isaac and God brought Rebekah; He can do the same for you!

The daughters of Lot were fearful they would not find a spouse, which caused them (in their desperation) to act sinfully. We see this often nowadays, wherein women date married men and sometimes even marry them, thereby going against the Scriptures of putting asunder what God has joined together. Isaiah 34 says that ‘not one will lack her mate’, this means that God has plans to give you your own husband/wife – not another person’s.

Another modern issue sprung from this fear of spinsterhood, which I feel is worthy of mention, is the increasing trend of single parenting by choice. Ladies are increasingly settling for having a child out of wedlock to either avoid the commitment of marriage, concerned about their biological clocks, or the notion that men are scarce. Some men will also rather have “baby mamas” than finding their missing rib thus fulfilling scriptures.

It’s time to drop these delusions and look to Jehovah for an eligible partner. While you wait, look to Him to help you as a person, so that when God brings your mate, you are a worthy partner to him/her.