“Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” (Colossians 4:6 NKJV)

Communication is an art necessary for the success of any relationship. It is beyond spoken words, it involves emotions, facial expressions, tone, body language etc. Men and women communicate differently, so it is therefore imperative that you learn to be an effective communicator and listener.

Effective communication involves letting your partner know where you are emotionally, intellectually and physically, it is not a shallow discussion of events and people.

Experts have identified five levels of communication in marriage:

1. Frivolous level – casual talking, level of acquaintance
2. Factual level – sharing information, digging into the knowledge of various subjects
3. Fellowship level – sharing of ideas, judgments and philosophies. At this stage one can risk rejection of beliefs.
4. Feeling level – sharing of emotions and feelings
5. Freedom level – gut level sharing. Complete openness with mate. Sharing of deepest fears, dreams, ideas or feelings without fear of rejection. This is the secret of lasting love.

It is estimated that humans spend 70% of our waking time communicating, 30% of which is talking. This means that over half of our communication is non-verbal. We therefore have to be aware of what we communicate with our bodies as well as with our words.

Many writers have likened the art of communication to the ebb and flow of a river; any blockage in the flow of the water can cause the river to overflow their banks and destroy the surrounding areas. A lack of effective communication skills can cause people to avoid discussing important topics with their partners. No one wants to bring up delicate or uncomfortable issues with someone who is unreceptive, hotheaded or apathetic. Some believe that the best way to win an argument is to avoid it; however avoidance does not resolve issues. If you are upset with something your spouse has said or with their behaviour, then it is important to let them know. If you don’t communicate that this behaviour upsets you, then they will in all likelihood repeat it. If someone keeps doing the same thing that upsets you, eventually you will either explode in a fit of anger or secretly harbour resentment against them, which will be bad news for your marriage. If you don’t communicate when you are upset because you don’t wish to have a heated discussion, wait a little, when you are calm and the situation is less volatile, discuss it then.

A breakdown in communication can have explosive results, with people hurling malicious words at their spouse. However once you’ve said something hurtful to your spouse, although you can (and should) apologise, you can never take the words back, therefore let your words be seasoned with salt. Ephesians 4:29 says “ Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers”.

Key things to watch when communicating with your spouse:

1. The tone of communication (Ephesians 4:15) communication is beyond spoken words, the attitude, facial expression, gestures, tone, body language are vital parts of the communication.
2. Choice of words (Proverbs 25:11)
3. Motivation – the purpose of the conversation.

Here are some common examples of miscommunication:

• “You know I’m not feeling well, why can’t you make dinner?”

Now what this person may really be trying to say is: “Darling, can you please make dinner as I don’t feel up to it today”. However the choice of words used are accusatory. They suggest that the spouse is being inconsiderate which, instead of making him willing and happy to help out, may make him defensive.

• After entering the house and saying, “Boy, I had a bad day” a man’s wife said, “well wait till you hear mine”.

This shuts the man up and denies him the opportunity to communicate. If this happens often, he may stop trying to communicate. It would be better to say: “I’m not in a good frame of mind to hear you out right now, but I do really want to hear about your day -can we delay the conversation till later?”

• “Everything is fine” she replies with a withdrawn face.

How often do women say “I’m fine”, when really we’re anything but fine. Often we think our body language should be clear enough for our spouse to think,“Okay, she’s clearly not fine, I’ll ask her again”. However in reality, men will sometimes only ask once, so seize your opportunity to communicate how you feel.

Below are some points for effective communication:

1. Find an appropriate time for discussion(Proverbs 15:23)
2. Be clear in your communication. Don’t expect your listener to read between the lines or intuit your needs or emotions
3. Address the issue without attacking the person – choose your words carefully. Avoid confrontation, complaining, blaming, accusing or ridiculing.
4. Don’t get carried away with emotions when communicating. Screaming, shouting or crying are not the most efficient ways to communicate your feelings.
5. Listen without interrupting (James 1:19) – maintain eye contact, have an open mind and nod intermittently
6. Be alert to non-verbal clues. If unsure, ask your partner to explain their non-verbal communication.
7. You might have to recap what has been said to confirm that you understand what is being communicated
8. Don’t bring up past conflicts or offences.
9. When angry, stop talking. Yelling only gives temporary relief to a lasting problem and it makes your listener defensive; as a result most of what is being communicated will be lost.
10. Don’t be sarcastic or negative. Negativity is a form of power. However the power does nothing but destroy the second party.Cohesion is impossible in a negatively charged environment. Negative words can be potent in the damage they can do to your spouse. Long after you have forgotten what you said, the hurt caused by your words can still reside.
11. Be willing to apologize.
12. The purpose is not to be right or to win the argument; rather, it is to understand your partner and to be understood.

A lack of or poor communication will erode your marriage. Often,when we get upset with something our spouse has done, they didn’t intend to hurt us in anyway. You might be sad because of the offence your husband committedand he might be feeling angry because he can’t understand why you’re upset and vice versa. If you don’t communicate, there can be no solutions and resentment will build on both sides.

Great communication involves expressing your feelings freely, openly, without fear but with consideration for your hearer(s).Therefore when you have a problem or perceive your spouse has a problem, talk about it. Get the issues out in the open and solve them while they’re still small. Make your husband or wife your closest confidant. After all, till death do us part is a long time to spend with someone – but those years will be blissful if your share them with your best friend.