Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. (Roman 12:17-18 NKJV)

When two people with different background, personalities, attitudes and idiosyncrasies decide to live together, some sparks are expected to fly. Disagreement is bound to happen in marriage but they do not have to degenerate to hurtful arguments wherein resentment, hatred and often violence or divorce can occur. Resolution of conflict in marriage is very instrumental to the success of any marriage.

If any human relationship will be successful, effective conflict resolutions skills are necessary for the management of conflicts when they arise. Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.

Marriage experts have highlighted the below as the major cause of conflict in marriage:

• Money – Marriage counselor identify this as the major conflict that leads to divorce
• In-laws – The type of relationship and influence one’s in-laws can have in the home sometimes cause rift in a relationship
• Sex – This is an emotional issue. Some partner for fear of hurt or rejection refuse to discuss their feeling about sexual issues
• Child rearing – This is an energy consuming task, and conflict arise in the area of delegation of duties or pattern of parenting

Some conflicts might require you loving confronting the issue with your partner. Below are thing to watch for when confronting an issue with your partner:

• Your motivation ­– the purpose of the discussion should be for resolution (Matthew 5:24)
• Conducive environment – be sensitive to the timing, location and setting. Don’t bring up the subject of conflict if your partner is just getting home from work, stressed, hungry or in front of the children
• Conversation outlines ­– stick to the issue at hand. Concentrate on the major problem, don’t mix it up with minor problems
• Your attitude- communication is beyond spoken words, so be cautious of your facial expression and body language

In the process of resolving conflicts, below are some pitfalls to avoid:

• “Have it your way” – This happens if efforts at the resolution is not successful. This attitude should be avoided because it does not resolve the conflict but defers the day of outburst and revenge. Appeasing or flee the scene of the conflict does not quench the fire of conflict except if the flight is to return to the issue later when there is less tension.
• “Must have it my way” – This is a selfish tendency that inhibits the progress of resolution process
• “Have it any way you want” – This is the stage of indifference that is not productivity for any home.

If you and your partner have a difference of opinion, try approaching conflict with some of these guidelines in mind:

• Pray about the conflict before discussing with your partner
• Never use the silent treatment
• Don’t play the blame game, take responsibility for your error
• Don’t sweep the conflict under the rug either (Hebrews 12:15)
• Agree to always listen to each other’s feeling even if you disagree with the appropriateness of the feeling (Proverbs 15:1)
• Never say anything derogatory about your partner’s personality (Proverbs 11:12)
• Be honest about your emotions but keep them under control (Proverbs 29:11)
• Don’t try to dominate or monopolize the discussion, allow your partner air his views
• Determine to always make it work, each should commit to 100% to the resolution (50-50 rule rarely works) (Romans 12:18)
• Find out facts rather than guessing or assuming motives and actions. Don’t be a mind reader.
• Don’t jump into conclusion, communicate and talk things over (Proverbs 18:13)
• Take care of problems that hurt the feeling in the relationship first, then focus on problem of difference in opinion
• Don’t involve friends, family or in-laws except in extreme cases
• Attack the issue not the person; don’t attack each other. Eliminate statements such as “You are, you never, you always” instead use “I feel”
• Never counter-attack or seek revenge (Romans 12:17, 19)
• Don’t keep an idle mind or meditate on the wrong done
• Don’t fight over little things. No one is perfect, don’t complain about every little thing
• Be willing to compromise and forgive (Ephesians 4:23) once an offence has been forgive, it means it has been wiped off the slate and would not be revisited in future discussion nor a consequence given. 1 Corinthians 13 says “Love keeps no record of wrong”.

When you say “am sorry”, mean it and don’t repeat the same mistake again

• The resolution of the conflict is most important, not who wins or lose. Find a common ground.

Conflict in itself is not bad because it simply reflects your difference; however, unresolved conflict is like cancer eating away at the very core of the home. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath (Ephesians 4:23). Pray about the issue if need be and address it accordingly.

Your partner is not the cause of your anger, it is an emotion that resides within and can be controlled.