Recently, I watched a TV show hosted by Dr Phil. In this particular episode, four ladies were interviewed who had ongoing relationships with married men. The host in his line of questioning tried to lay bare (expose) the internal workings of the minds of these ladies: what goes on in their heads, what they felt, how they currently feel, what attracted or lured them into the relationships, their justifications for being in the relationships, how they deal with the guilt, what they think about themselves etc. It is so easy to crucify these ladies for being involved with other women’s husbands, especially when we consider the great harm being done to different homes. So many families have been torn apart, resulting in dysfunctional homes and dysfunctional children being raised in the larger society. Often it becomes a vicious cycle.

In the course of the interview, the host tried to bring them to terms with their persona. They defended themselves just like anyone would when one’s real self is laid bare before one and others to see. Despite the defences, the justifications etc., I saw something that made my heart heavy: broken women without self-worth and esteem selling themselves short of God’s best for their lives, who over time had believed and received the lies of the enemy as the truth.

Majority of women, while growing up as young girls, do not consciously nurture the idea of being someone’s mistress or “the other woman.” Usually as a young girl, you tend to have lofty dreams of meeting a prince charming someday, someone who comes across your path and sweeps you off your feet. And some actually get to live this dream. For some, however, it is a bumpy ride; yet they get there. For others, it remains just an elusive dream or what you call a fantasy.

Over the years, I have heard and seen different women with different attitudes and dispositions towards life. Some are unscrupulous ladies who would always look for the easiest way out of every awkward situation even if it is demeaning. Some are principled ladies – ladies who are morally inclined. Some are genuine believers – ladies who really loved the Lord, but who found themselves in illicit love affairs.

For the lady without scruples, it is easy to arrive at a conclusion regarding why she got involved in an illicit love affair. However, when it comes to the principled ones or the good girls, so to speak, you are at a loss trying to fathom the rationale behind her actions. You ask yourself:  how did a good girl become wayward? How did a vibrant God-loving sister get herself entangled in what ought not to be named among God’s people?

The word “illicit” usually refers to something that is unethical, amoral or unacceptable, such as having an affair with a married man or woman. Romantic or sexual relationship outside of marriage is termed an extramarital affair, and could be between two people married to different spouses or between a single and a married individual. In the context of the Word of God, it is an adulterous relationship, hence sinful. Socially it is amoral and unacceptable, and the parties involved, especially the married ones, go to great lengths to avoid being discovered or caught. They love the thrill of going against the norm, yet they do not want to destroy their own homes. In a way, they want to have their cake and eat it. The truth is that no right thinking man or woman would deliberately plan to destroy his or her home. So why do people still cheat on their spouse and do those things that ultimately lead to the ruin of their family? As Proverbs 9:17 says, “Stolen waters (pleasures) are sweet [because they are forbidden]; and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” (AMP)

I believe the above scripture gives us some insight on the workings of the minds of some people; it tells how a lot of individuals, particularly the unregenerate, are wired. Man in his fallen state is rebellious and tends to lust or go after things which are out of his jurisdiction. Take for example, when God gave the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel in the wilderness, after they came out of Egypt. The first law was not to have other gods beside the Lord, and this was the very first law they broke by making a golden calf. (see Exodus 20 & 32)

In this discourse, our focus is on the mistresses and not the men. We want to examine some of the reasons why a lady, rather than have her own man, would choose to share another’s man, relegate herself to the position of a second fiddle and ultimately destroys the home of the parties involved. Like I mentioned earlier, no lady sets out to be a mistress, but quite a number of women have found themselves there at some points. Sadly some are still in such relationships.

1. Some ladies become mistresses because of the financial gains it affords them – the opportunity to live a lavish lifestyle and have someone take care of all their bills.
2. Some people are averse to commitments; they want a part-time stable relationship, and a married man seems to be the perfect solution. The man comes and goes as he wants; they both live their separate lives and there is no binding contractual arrangement between them. It is a symbiotic relationship where mutual benefits are derived by the parties involved.
3. There is also another class of people who want to enjoy the gains/benefits of marriage without having to do the hard work of “keeping” a marriage.
4. Some are in such relationships because of the non-disclosure of marital status by the man. Some women go into relationships without realising their partner was already married to someone else. By the time they realise it, they have become emotionally attached and breaking away from such relationships becomes difficult.
5. Some women find themselves in marriages that have become passionless and unexciting, and having to deal with the feelings of been unappreciated, unwanted and unloved. This makes them easy prey to predators who capitalise on their vulnerability and emotional instability and they end up taking solace in the arms of a lover who gives them what they think they lack and long for, even if it done in deception.
6. Some people are so battered emotionally that they feel, and have over time come to believe, it is the crumbs they deserve in life and not the real deal. They believe they are not good enough to be any man’s wife, so they settle for the life of a mistress.
7. There are those that feel and think life has passed them by. They hear their biological clock ticking away and conclude no young single man will pay them attention. So they end up settling for an older man who usually is married just to fulfil their basic needs of companionship and intimacy.
8. When a lady is gullible and naive – this usually is common among younger ladies. Their married male lover tells them all sorts of story about his wife and marriage in order to elicit empathy from them. They then end up thinking and feeling they are his comforter and the one who can help him out of his misery.

These factors are not exhaustive; they are just some of the reasons ladies get involved in illicit affairs. This is meant to serve as an eye-opener to the ways the minds of these ladies work at times. Considering that the human mind is complex, most times the driving force is a composite of various factors deeply rooted in the psyche of the individuals.

Ladies that date married men are generally considered to be callous, unfeeling etc. The truth however is that there is actually no one without a conscience, and this was easily perceivable among the ladies brought on Dr Phil’s show. One could actually sense the feeling of guilt that pervaded their beings despite their supposed frankness and indifference to the issue.

Overtime the things we do can either deaden our conscience or make it alive. For instance, if you subject yourself constantly to hearing, reading, studying, reflecting and acting on God’s Word, you are changed from the inside, and this directly affects you outwardly (transformed). You may not be able to explain what took place, but people who knew you previously would attest to the fact that there is something different about you. Conversely, if you feed yourself with lies, negativities and all the wrong stuff, and actively engage in them, overtime you get accustomed to feeling right about it. But the guilt does not disappear; it is locked deep somewhere inside of you. The more you give in to it, the more difficult it becomes to hear the voice of your conscience. Ultimately you lose touch with your inner being and end up being the lie you have accepted and woven around yourself.

Sister, you are beautifully and wonderfully made, so you deserve the best. You are not meant to play second fiddle in life. You are not a plaything for any man. Do not subscribe to the lies that you can or will never get your own man or that you are not good enough. In the beginning, He who created the heavens and earth made them male and female. As long as you came into this world as a female, know for sure that there is someone out there specially crafted for you. However, if you do not let go of the entanglement you are in, the real will not surface or manifest.

You might have felt pressed for time or your biological clock ticking away. As a result, you decided to settle for less than the best. Do not let the guilt drown you. I know of someone who has the power and ability to restore lost times and seasons, and renew your youth like that of the eagle. But first, you have to let go of what is not rightfully yours.

Do you feel empty within? He will fill your void, make you whole (complete) and give you joy that no bands of being single, unloved, unwanted and unappreciated can hold. If He did it for me (gave me a great husband in His own time), then your case is not too hard for Him to handle. Irrespective of the circumstances, He can do it for you if only you will allow Him. Today, He beckons to you. Open your heart and trust Him with the affairs of your life. He has assured through His Word never to leave nor forsake you. You will not be put to shame in Jesus name.