couple

Living with an unbelieving spouse

by Nomthi Odukoya

And a woman who has a husband, who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. – 1 Corinthians 7:13-14 NKJV

If you are a believer, God specifically forbids you from marrying an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). However, if you have a spouse who is an unbeliever, the Bible does not permit you to divorce him/her. That is precisely what the opening scripture states.

You can win your spouse over with your attitude, love and dedication. So don’t give up on him because he is not a believer. And don’t look for the way out either. Remember, divorce is not the solution to any marital problem (1 Corinthians 7:12-13).

Here are things you can do:

  • Pray for your spouse. The spiritual governs the physical; you can win your spouse’s salvation on your knees. God can use your marriage to show His love to your spouse.
  • Develop the right attitude. Let your attitude and words depict Jesus (1 Peter 3:15); you don’t necessarily have to open your Bible to preach to him. 1 Peter 3:1-2 says “Wives, be submissive to your husbands, that even if some do not obey the word that they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.”  Deal with him with love and respect. 1 Corinthians 13 should be your love compass.

Your spirituality is not a form of superiority; it should breed maturity in you (Philippians2:3-4). Be Christ-like in your dealings with your spouse (1 Timothy 4:12). You should strive to live peaceably with him, by being respectful and submissive.

  •  Be careful of what you focus on. Don’t focus on the hurt – the loneliness of being in church by yourself or the harsh words that might have been directed towards your faith. Forgive his harsh actions and inconsideration. Don’t try to act like the martyr for your family; allow the Holy Spirit do His work in him.
  •  Seek his permission before attending any service, especially if he does not like you staying out for too long or late. Now, I am not suggesting obedience to your husband to the detriment of the Word of God. But as long as his instructions are in line with the Word of God, please obey him.

You can invite him for special functions like Father’s Day, Couples’ Dinners, and Movie Nights etc. he may well be happy to come along.

  • Help your children to understand, if necessary, the fact that their father doesn’t know God (yet), and encourage them to pray for him as well.

You might say “I have done all the above but there is no change in him.” If you are in this situation, remember that the time and the season might not be given to us to know, but be assured that God is still in the heart-changing ministry (Proverbs 21:1).

Don’t be discouraged…

Romance: the life line of marriage

by Nomthi Odukoya

“Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love”. (Proverb 5:18-19 NKJV)

Romance comes almost naturally whilst dating but once married, couples tend to become consumed with the daily worries of everyday life such as rent, bills and parenting and forget about each other. A writer commented that marriage is like fire; if you don’t stoke it, it will go out. Romance is one sure way to stoke your marriage.

Romance involves meeting your partner’s most important relationship needs. It is different from sex -you can be romantic but not have sex, and you can have sex with no romance involved. Romance is not about satisfying yourself but satisfying your partner (although that’s not to say you won’t enjoy the process too). It is basically speaking your partner’s love language continuously. There are five basic love languages namely:

  • Words of affirmation;
  • Quality time;
  • Gifts;
  • Acts of service;
  • Physical touch.

Mastery and creative use of the above five languages will give your marriage the required spark.The first step however is to become a student of your spouse. Men and women view romance differently; men tend to be more physical in their expression, while women are usually more relational.

Below are some tips on how to re-ignite the spark:

  • Tell your partner that you love him – Don’t assume that your partner is assured of your love for him. Verbalize your feelings for him, it will go a long way in making your partner feel wanted and secure in the marriage.

You can send a hand written love note – Elaine Orbach, compiled the daily love notes written by her husband into a book titled Remember how I love you: Love letters from an extraordinary Marriage, she concluded by saying “my love poems from Jerry are keepsakes that I will treasure forever”.

  • Pay attention your appearance – The longer people are married, the less attention they tend to pay to their physical appearances. Take time to look good for your spouse. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable around the house, but pay attention to how you present yourself.
  • Take time to touch – A touch seals the moment in memory. It does not necessarily have to be with the intention of having sex, sometimes just holding hands, a gentle caress of the hair or an impromptu back rub or foot massage can go a long way.
  • Take time to laugh together (Proverbs 17:22) – Laughter bonds people together. Jane Leyo says “You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh”. Don’t take yourself too seriously, poke gentle fun at each other but steer clear of sensitive issues or comments. Study what makes your partner laugh and use it.Research has shown that couples that laugh together have a more satisfying love life.
  • Play together – It is important to have fun, don’t get so loaded with pressure and responsibilities. Be kids again, remember some games you played as a child like hide and seek etc. and share the fun with your partner. Even King Solomon played hide and seek with his beloved (Songs of Solomon 3:1-4)
  • Set date nights –Make time to be alone, don’t invite friends or take the kids along.Do something special together at least once a week but be sure to do something you will both enjoy as this will create memories and draw you closer as a couple. It does not have to be anything expensive; you can go for a massage, free dance classes, cooking classes etc.
  • Be encouraging –Let your spouse know how proud you are of him. Never underestimate the power of positive words. Even if your spouse is not living up to your expectations, encourage and applaud how far he has come.

A husband got home to a romantic candle lit dinner prepared by his wife. After the meal, he tried to turn on the light and found that the electrical power was out. His wife responded that ‘the power was cut off because he forgot to pay the bill’, but instead of making a fuss over the issue, she decided to used the situation to their advantage. He apologized and never forgot to pay the bills again. Had she attacked his forgetfulness, she would have missed out on a great opportunity. Criticism kills romance.

  • Revisit shared history – Make time to return to location(s) that hold special meaning to you. Relive good times from the past.
  • Share a hobby– Sharon O’Neill, a marriage and family psychotherapist says, “couples who are not engaged in any joint activities are living parallel lives… there is no real connection. Learning together alleviates boredom, routine and doldrums”.
  • Share yourself –Don’t keep your dreams, fears, likes, dislikes and achievements to yourself. While there is need for personal space, don’t be too far away emotionally from your spouse.
  • Surprises – Make efforts to surprise each other. Don’t always be predictable, do the unexpected for your partner.
  • Take time to kiss passionately (Songs of Solomon 1:2) – Jim Burns suggests that married couple should kiss passionately for at least 15seconds every day. Don’t stick to the automated goodbye kiss.

Sustaining romance in marriage can be hard work. Try to remember the golden rule of “Doing unto others what you want them to do to you.” (Luke 6:31). Romance your spouse till he declares like the bride in Songs of Solomon 2:5 that “I am sick with love”.

Marriage is the best investment that can ever be made, so it is important to do all you can to ensure that your union is successful.

If your partner seems unromantic or unappreciative of your gestures, change your approach! Don’t give up because a good marriage takes work.