Living with an unbelieving spouse

by Nomthi Odukoya

And a woman who has a husband, who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. – 1 Corinthians 7:13-14 NKJV

If you are a believer, God specifically forbids you from marrying an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). However, if you have a spouse who is an unbeliever, the Bible does not permit you to divorce him/her. That is precisely what the opening scripture states.

You can win your spouse over with your attitude, love and dedication. So don’t give up on him because he is not a believer. And don’t look for the way out either. Remember, divorce is not the solution to any marital problem (1 Corinthians 7:12-13).

Here are things you can do:

Pray for your spouse. The spiritual governs the physical; you can win your spouse’s salvation on your knees. God can use your marriage to show His love to your spouse.
Develop the right attitude. Let your attitude and words depict Jesus (1 Peter 3:15); you don’t necessarily have to open your Bible to preach to him. 1 Peter 3:1-2 says “Wives, be submissive to your husbands, that even if some do not obey the word that they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.” Deal with him with love and respect. 1 Corinthians 13 should be your love compass.

Your spirituality is not a form of superiority; it should breed maturity in you (Philippians2:3-4). Be Christ-like in your dealings with your spouse (1 Timothy 4:12). You should strive to live peaceably with him, by being respectful and submissive.

Be careful of what you focus on. Don’t focus on the hurt – the loneliness of being in church by yourself or the harsh words that might have been directed towards your faith. Forgive his harsh actions and inconsideration. Don’t try to act like the martyr for your family; allow the Holy Spirit do His work in him.
Seek his permission before attending any service, especially if he does not like you staying out for too long or late. Now, I am not suggesting obedience to your husband to the detriment of the Word of God. But as long as his instructions are in line with the Word of God, please obey him.

You can invite him for special functions like Father’s Day, Couples’ Dinners, and Movie Nights etc. he may well be happy to come along.

Help your children to understand, if necessary, the fact that their father doesn’t know God (yet), and encourage them to pray for him as well.

You might say “I have done all the above but there is no change in him.” If you are in this situation, remember that the time and the season might not be given to us to know, but be assured that God is still in the heart-changing ministry (Proverbs 21:1).

Don’t be discouraged…

Romance: the life line of marriage

by Nomthi Odukoya

“Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love”. (Proverb 5:18-19 NKJV)

Romance comes almost naturally whilst dating but once married, couples tend to become consumed with the daily worries of everyday life such as rent, bills and parenting and forget about each other. A writer commented that marriage is like fire; if you don’t stoke it, it will go out. Romance is one sure way to stoke your marriage.

Romance involves meeting your partner’s most important relationship needs. It is different from sex -you can be romantic but not have sex, and you can have sex with no romance involved. Romance is not about satisfying yourself but satisfying your partner (although that’s not to say you won’t enjoy the process too). It is basically speaking your partner’s love language continuously. There are five basic love languages namely:

Words of affirmation;
Quality time;
Gifts;
Acts of service;
Physical touch.

Mastery and creative use of the above five languages will give your marriage the required spark.The first step however is to become a student of your spouse. Men and women view romance differently; men tend to be more physical in their expression, while women are usually more relational.

Below are some tips on how to re-ignite the spark:

Tell your partner that you love him – Don’t assume that your partner is assured of your love for him. Verbalize your feelings for him, it will go a long way in making your partner feel wanted and secure in the marriage.

You can send a hand written love note – Elaine Orbach, compiled the daily love notes written by her husband into a book titled Remember how I love you: Love letters from an extraordinary Marriage, she concluded by saying “my love poems from Jerry are keepsakes that I will treasure forever”.

Pay attention your appearance – The longer people are married, the less attention they tend to pay to their physical appearances. Take time to look good for your spouse. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable around the house, but pay attention to how you present yourself.
Take time to touch – A touch seals the moment in memory. It does not necessarily have to be with the intention of having sex, sometimes just holding hands, a gentle caress of the hair or an impromptu back rub or foot massage can go a long way.
Take time to laugh together (Proverbs 17:22) – Laughter bonds people together. Jane Leyo says “You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh”. Don’t take yourself too seriously, poke gentle fun at each other but steer clear of sensitive issues or comments. Study what makes your partner laugh and use it.Research has shown that couples that laugh together have a more satisfying love life.
Play together – It is important to have fun, don’t get so loaded with pressure and responsibilities. Be kids again, remember some games you played as a child like hide and seek etc. and share the fun with your partner. Even King Solomon played hide and seek with his beloved (Songs of Solomon 3:1-4)
Set date nights –Make time to be alone, don’t invite friends or take the kids along.Do something special together at least once a week but be sure to do something you will both enjoy as this will create memories and draw you closer as a couple. It does not have to be anything expensive; you can go for a massage, free dance classes, cooking classes etc.
Be encouraging –Let your spouse know how proud you are of him. Never underestimate the power of positive words. Even if your spouse is not living up to your expectations, encourage and applaud how far he has come.

A husband got home to a romantic candle lit dinner prepared by his wife. After the meal, he tried to turn on the light and found that the electrical power was out. His wife responded that ‘the power was cut off because he forgot to pay the bill’, but instead of making a fuss over the issue, she decided to used the situation to their advantage. He apologized and never forgot to pay the bills again. Had she attacked his forgetfulness, she would have missed out on a great opportunity. Criticism kills romance.

Revisit shared history – Make time to return to location(s) that hold special meaning to you. Relive good times from the past.
Share a hobby– Sharon O’Neill, a marriage and family psychotherapist says, “couples who are not engaged in any joint activities are living parallel lives… there is no real connection. Learning together alleviates boredom, routine and doldrums”.
Share yourself –Don’t keep your dreams, fears, likes, dislikes and achievements to yourself. While there is need for personal space, don’t be too far away emotionally from your spouse.
Surprises – Make efforts to surprise each other. Don’t always be predictable, do the unexpected for your partner.
Take time to kiss passionately (Songs of Solomon 1:2) – Jim Burns suggests that married couple should kiss passionately for at least 15seconds every day. Don’t stick to the automated goodbye kiss.

Sustaining romance in marriage can be hard work. Try to remember the golden rule of “Doing unto others what you want them to do to you.” (Luke 6:31). Romance your spouse till he declares like the bride in Songs of Solomon 2:5 that “I am sick with love”.

Marriage is the best investment that can ever be made, so it is important to do all you can to ensure that your union is successful.

If your partner seems unromantic or unappreciative of your gestures, change your approach! Don’t give up because a good marriage takes work.

Conflict Resolution in Marriage

by Nomthi Odukoya

Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. (Roman 12:17-18 NKJV)

When two people with different background, personalities, attitudes and idiosyncrasies decide to live together, some sparks are expected to fly. Disagreement is bound to happen in marriage but they do not have to degenerate to hurtful arguments wherein resentment, hatred and often violence or divorce can occur. Resolution of conflict in marriage is very instrumental to the success of any marriage.

If any human relationship will be successful, effective conflict resolutions skills are necessary for the management of conflicts when they arise. Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.

Marriage experts have highlighted the below as the major cause of conflict in marriage:

Money – Marriage counselor identify this as the major conflict that leads to divorce
In-laws – The type of relationship and influence one’s in-laws can have in the home sometimes cause rift in a relationship
Sex – This is an emotional issue. Some partner for fear of hurt or rejection refuse to discuss their feeling about sexual issues
Child rearing – This is an energy consuming task, and conflict arise in the area of delegation of duties or pattern of parenting

Some conflicts might require you loving confronting the issue with your partner. Below are thing to watch for when confronting an issue with your partner:

Your motivation – the purpose of the discussion should be for resolution (Matthew 5:24)
Conducive environment – be sensitive to the timing, location and setting. Don’t bring up the subject of conflict if your partner is just getting home from work, stressed, hungry or in front of the children
Conversation outlines – stick to the issue at hand. Concentrate on the major problem, don’t mix it up with minor problems
Your attitude- communication is beyond spoken words, so be cautious of your facial expression and body language

In the process of resolving conflicts, below are some pitfalls to avoid:

“Have it your way” – This happens if efforts at the resolution is not successful. This attitude should be avoided because it does not resolve the conflict but defers the day of outburst and revenge. Appeasing or flee the scene of the conflict does not quench the fire of conflict except if the flight is to return to the issue later when there is less tension.
“Must have it my way” – This is a selfish tendency that inhibits the progress of resolution process
“Have it any way you want” – This is the stage of indifference that is not productivity for any home.

If you and your partner have a difference of opinion, try approaching conflict with some of these guidelines in mind:

Pray about the conflict before discussing with your partner
Never use the silent treatment
Don’t play the blame game, take responsibility for your error
Don’t sweep the conflict under the rug either (Hebrews 12:15)
Agree to always listen to each other’s feeling even if you disagree with the appropriateness of the feeling (Proverbs 15:1)
Never say anything derogatory about your partner’s personality (Proverbs 11:12)
Be honest about your emotions but keep them under control (Proverbs 29:11)
Don’t try to dominate or monopolize the discussion, allow your partner air his views
Determine to always make it work, each should commit to 100% to the resolution (50-50 rule rarely works) (Romans 12:18)
Find out facts rather than guessing or assuming motives and actions. Don’t be a mind reader.
Don’t jump into conclusion, communicate and talk things over (Proverbs 18:13)
Take care of problems that hurt the feeling in the relationship first, then focus on problem of difference in opinion
Don’t involve friends, family or in-laws except in extreme cases
Attack the issue not the person; don’t attack each other. Eliminate statements such as “You are, you never, you always” instead use “I feel”
Never counter-attack or seek revenge (Romans 12:17, 19)
Don’t keep an idle mind or meditate on the wrong done
Don’t fight over little things. No one is perfect, don’t complain about every little thing
Be willing to compromise and forgive (Ephesians 4:23) once an offence has been forgive, it means it has been wiped off the slate and would not be revisited in future discussion nor a consequence given. 1 Corinthians 13 says “Love keeps no record of wrong”.

When you say “am sorry”, mean it and don’t repeat the same mistake again

The resolution of the conflict is most important, not who wins or lose. Find a common ground.

Conflict in itself is not bad because it simply reflects your difference; however, unresolved conflict is like cancer eating away at the very core of the home. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath (Ephesians 4:23). Pray about the issue if need be and address it accordingly.

Your partner is not the cause of your anger, it is an emotion that resides within and can be controlled.

Communication in Marriage

by Nomthi Odukoya

“Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” (Colossians 4:6 NKJV)

Communication is an art necessary for the success of any relationship. It is beyond spoken words, it involves emotions, facial expressions, tone, body language etc. Men and women communicate differently, so it is therefore imperative that you learn to be an effective communicator and listener.

Effective communication involves letting your partner know where you are emotionally, intellectually and physically, it is not a shallow discussion of events and people.

Experts have identified five levels of communication in marriage:

Frivolous level – casual talking, level of acquaintance
Factual level – sharing information, digging into the knowledge of various subjects
Fellowship level – sharing of ideas, judgments and philosophies. At this stage one can risk rejection of beliefs.
Feeling level – sharing of emotions and feelings
Freedom level – gut level sharing. Complete openness with mate. Sharing of deepest fears, dreams, ideas or feelings without fear of rejection. This is the secret of lasting love.

It is estimated that humans spend 70% of our waking time communicating, 30% of which is talking. This means that over half of our communication is non-verbal. We therefore have to be aware of what we communicate with our bodies as well as with our words.

Continue reading →

House or Home

by Nomthi Odukoya

A house is built with cement, sand and water but a home is built with love, joy, peace and friendship. Often, people prioritise security measures such as big gates, security guards, police escorts and CCTV, and although this is not to say that these security measures are not important, the most important security a home can have is that of love, laughter and goodwill. The foundational building block of the society – the family – is gradually crumbling, as there is an increase in the number of homeless people living in big houses. Yes, it is possible to live within four walls and a roof and be homeless.

With so much strife and stress wrought upon us by the outside world, the home should be a haven or place of refuge. According to Maslow, in the hierarchy of human needs, safety is the second most fundamental human need, after basic physiological needs such as food, sleep, breathing etc. Safety is not just about physical dangers; we also need to feel safe and secure within our families. We are in a constant fight for safety, be it financial, health or job security, which is why our home should be our safe place.

Proverbs 25:24 says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house with a contentious woman.” This goes some way to explain why many bars and hangouts are filled at night. Husbands and children would rather stay out late than deal with a contentious home.

As a woman, you have the power to determine the atmosphere in your home; so set out to ensure that your home is a peaceful, loving environment. It has been said that “Safety is not the absence of danger; it is the presence of God.” Allow the presence of God to saturate your home. Psalm 16:11 says “In the presence of the Lord, there is fullness of joy and at His right hand are pleasures forevermore.”

Even if your spouse annoys you, the Bible says to forgive seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22). Don’t allow the sun to go down on your wrath; resolve every issue before going to bed. Apologize even if you are the offended party – then, once peace has been restored, seek to calmly discuss the issues to prevent them from reoccurring. Don’t always seek your own way; there is no shame in being wrong. Appreciate your spouse’s little efforts and pay him compliments.

Don’t let the devil distract you by making your home unsecured. As imperfect as we all are, your home should be a reflection of heaven on earth.

Money Talks – till “death” do us part, not till “debt” do us part

by Nomthi Odukoya

Money affects our actions on a daily basis. Everyday decisions, for example: should I take a bus or a cab, should I eat out or at home, can I afford this new dress – and so on. These choices are all affected by money. .

Since money has such an effect on our daily lives, one would expect it to be an important topic of discussion during courtship. Too much concern about your intended spouse’s financial wellbeing might make you look materialistic. The topic of money is almost treated as a taboo in relationships. Finance is rarely discussed before marriage; people assume that they know their partner’s financial mind-set and capacity. However, to ignore finance is to ignore the number one cause of broken marriages. According to Larry Burkett “Money is the #1 cause of divorce, not to mention the major cause of all marital fights.” This is heightened as opposite personalities tend to attract; so a spendthrift could in all probability end up dating or married to a penny-pincher.

I’m not saying that you should bring up the issue of money in the early stages of a new relationship, or with someone you are casually dating or have no future with; this might well scare the person off, but one shouldn’t be afraid to broach the subject.

Gender plays a major role in financial decisions. Men are known to take more risks and not save for emergencies, while women see money as a measure of security, and gravitate towards rainy-day funds. These attributes are not cast in stone, as women are increasingly taking on risks.

I remember the story of a girl who wanted to break-up with her fiancé because he bought her a Bible on her birthday.

“I can’t take it anymore,” she exclaimed.

“Don’t you like the Bible?” she was asked.

“It’s not that,” she replied. “He is just always stingy. He can afford to buy me something expensive but he won’t because he thinks it is being wasteful.”

Obviously, their views about spending differ. Their differences, if understood and harnessed, could be complementary and provide a safety net against extremes. A famous cleric and counsellor said, “The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” The critical issue is to walk hand in hand, appreciating your differences. Amos 3:3 says, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” This togetherness requires that certain questions regarding finance be discussed before you say ‘I do’.

What is his attitude concerning savings?
What is his attitude towards loans and repayment?
When you eat out, does he check the bill before paying?
Will you be splitting bills?
Should you have a joint account?
What financial decisions can be made independently and what decisions should be made jointly?
What is his attitude to you earning more than him?

Please understand that I am not in any way advocating marrying for money, but a sense of economic responsibility is required from whomever you decide to marry. Don’t say, “I don’t care about money” and then secretly harbour resentment against your spouse for not providing the lifestyle you expected. Remember it’s until “death” do us part, not until “debt” do us part. Can you live with his financial decisions?

Don’t assume that because you and your partner don’t think alike, you cannot get married. Opposite viewpoints can provide tremendous balance and strength to a relationship. However, understanding is needed to make it work.

Don’t ever think you can change anyone either; they formed their habits long before they met you and are unlikely to change because of you.

Courtship is the time to get to know your partner. Make sure you understand his/her opinion on financial matters and put your opinions across too. Then agree on how you would structure your finances as a couple if you were to get married.

DON’T QUIT

by Nomthi Odukoya

A young soldier fell in love with an American Red Cross girl and therefore decided to divorce his wife, with two kids. Upon his return to America, he asked his wife for a divorce saying he was in love with someone else (the Red Cross girl).

But his wife had a quaker upbringing, which meant that she had a quiet inner strength. She did not panic or fly into jealous rage. Instead she told her husband that she knew him better and would not give him the divorce. He pleaded and told her how unreasonable holding on to him sounded. She insisted that she believed God’s plan for them was to be together and not divorce, and that their marriage was only going through a storm that would soon pass.

The husband left home in annoyance and moved in with the Red Cross girl, hoping his wife would become frustrated and give in to his request, but the wife got on her knees and prayed to God for the restoration of her marriage. After a long wait, the Red Cross girl decided to leave him, having realized how ridiculous it was living with a married man that could not be her husband. By this time, the man was also missing his family.

He finally went back home amid tears and apologies to his wife, who welcomed him quietly. Saved by the emotional balance, prayers and good sense of a godly woman, the marriage was restored.

Every marriage is a ministry. This ministry, like every other, has its ups and downs, and no two marriages are exactly same. There is however a consolation, as written in 1 Corinthians 10:13, that no temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. There is a solution to every challenge faced in marriage and the strength of any marriage is dependent on the challenges it is able to overcome.

Just as shoe sizes are different, so are marital issues peculiar to individual experiences. The devil does not want successful and happy marriages. According to John 10:10, the devil’s aim is to kill, steal and destroy. There are various ways by which the devil tries to destroy marriages: infidelity, adultery, etc. The way to confront these vices will be discussed in other writings.

God has equipped you with the needed grace to handle your spouse, so do not easily give up on him/her. Just like the woman in the story, there is an inner strength in everyone to handle his/her spouse and home.

You may wish you could change your spouse or even think that you should not have married him/her, but remember that God is faithful and will not give you more than you can bear. You may say ‘you don’t know what I am going through’. You are right that I do not, but I know God’s ability to save the marriage of all who call on him. The way of escape stated in the Bible is not divorce; it is the inner strength from God to pray and fight through for our marriages. John 14:13 says, “Whatever you ask in my name, that I will do.” That is a blank cheque from God. You can ask for grace to handle your home. Some of your friends upon hearing your story might say, ‘I can’t stand such nonsense.’ They are absolutely right because they can stand theirs but not yours because you are involved in two different marriages and married to two different persons.

Statistics show that we have more divorces than we have stable marriages. The devil will have us believe that nothing can be done to save our marriages, but that is not true. Every one of us can do something, no matter how small. You will be amazed at the result. Ezekiel 22:30 says, “I sought for a man among them who would make a wall, and stand in the gap before me on behalf of the land, that I should not destroy it; but I found no one.” Be the one to stand in the gap for your spouse and family.

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