Sex

Talking To Your Children about Masturbation

by Nomthi Odukoya

But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown brings forth death – James 1:14-15 NKJV

An intelligent young man once asked me, “Is it wrong to masturbate?” Although this is one question asked by many young people, masturbation is one of the least discussed sexual topics in the church. Yet it is something that can affect the whole family – from our children to our spouses.

The question is: What is masturbation? It is the manual self-stimulation of the genital organs to derive sexual pleasure. And all kinds of people masturbate: young and old, single and married, male and female.

As we grow, our sexual desires become particularly strong. This is more so when we reach puberty. Because we encourage our children to abstain from sex before marriage, many choose to masturbate instead because it seems like a harmless alternative to sex. After all, they cannot get pregnant or impregnate somebody, they will not catch any diseases and they can remain virgins while reliving pent up sexual tension. However, masturbation is almost inevitably associated with sexual fantasies and this is where the problem lies – it is the product of a sinful process.

When a person masturbates, a sexual fantasy is needed to arouse them; this can be in the form of a mental image or thoughts that stir their sexuality, or through visual aids such as dirty magazines or pornography. Therefore the thoughts required to masturbate go directly against the teachings of Jesus Christ concerning lust: ‘But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart’ (Matthew 5:28). Jesus is telling us that lustful thoughts (for anyone other than our spouse) are sinful. So masturbation is not a harmless alternative to sex for young and/or unmarried people; it is a result of sinful thoughts and feelings.

For most people who masturbate, it is something they do a few times a month, a few times a year or even a few times in their lifetime. However, for some, masturbation can become an addiction that inhibits other areas of their lives. It is a habit that could go on to become a marital issue later in life.

It is therefore important that parents do not leave out masturbation when discussing sex with their children. And if you learn that your child is masturbating, do not panic; seize the opportunity to have an open discussion with him/her. Help your children with practical things that may reduce the temptation to masturbate. Encourage them to spend time with the family instead of being alone in their bedrooms. Put desktop computers in communal spaces instead of the child’s bedroom. Set parental controls on internet-connected devices and television.

God created sex, and so sexual desires are a part of being human. We need to let our children understand that while the sexual desires that begin to awaken during adolescence are normal, acting on these desires before marriage is a distortion of the goodness of sex within the context of marriage. Ask God to guide your children, and pray with them often that God will help them to resist temptation.

Homosexuality: Coming out of the closet

by Nomthi Odukoya

The term ‘coming out of the closet’ is used to describe the process of a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT) person accepting his/her sexual orientation/identity and sharing that identity with others.

The dialogue surrounding homosexuality is increasing both at home and abroad. Presently 15 countries, including the UK and South Africa, allow same-sex marriages. There are also some states in Mexico and the USA that allow same-sex couples to wed.  On Thursday, 30th May, 2013, Nigeria’s parliament adopted the Same-Sex Marriage (Prohibition) Bill, a law that foresees up to 14 years imprisonment (or death in 12 northern states) for gay, lesbian and bisexual people who marry or display affection – this is labelled the harshest piece of legislation against LGBT people in the world. This bill has been widely condemned throughout the world as unnecessary (as no-one had ever asked for same-sex marriage in Nigeria).

There have been many different explanations on why homosexuality occurs. Below are three common schools of thought:

  1. For many homosexuals, they strongly believe that their sexual orientation is biological and cannot be changed. They reason that, just as being ‘straight’ is not a conscious choice, neither is being gay.
  2. Sigmund Freud’s basic theory of human sexuality believes that all human beings were innately bisexual, and that they become heterosexual or homosexual as a result of their experiences with parents and others. This presupposes that everyone has the ability to choose his/her sexuality and desires.
  3. A number of experts relate homosexuality to unresolved issues of rejection, abuse, gender identity, self-perception, fear or distrust. There are some instances where homosexual desires were first stirred in childhood through sexual contact with a homosexual adult. American singer and minister Donnie McClurkin, for example, was sexually abused in his childhood and has stated that as a result of it, he ‘struggled’ with homosexuality for most of his adult life.

Homosexuality is like any other sin with its consequences (Leviticus 18:22-25). Roman 1:26-27 says “For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.”

As Christians, we must, by God’s grace, hold fast to His plan for human sexuality: marriage between one man and one woman, one time, for the couple’s mutual joy and the procreation of children. We are called to speak God’s truth and call sin, sin. We should confront all kinds of sin, including homosexuality, but the Bible teaches that when confronting sin, “the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness” (2 Timothy 2:24-25). We are also commanded to love one another. Too often, we are so consumed with confronting sin that we fail to do so in love.

First Corinthians 6:9-10 says “…or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”

Let me ask you: Do you know anyone that cheats on his or her spouse? Do you know anyone who steals? Do you know anyone who gets drunk? You probably have come across someone living a sinful life. I’m sure you did not abuse them though; neither did you approve of them being flogged or mistreated. So why then do we treat homosexuals with so much vitriol?

That’s not to say that we should encourage homosexuality. That’s not to say that the many gay churches springing up around the world are right in what they are doing. Just as it would be wrong to start an adulterer church or a church for liars, a church that accepts sin of any kind is failing in its mandate to be a pillar of truth.

The Bible does not condemn homosexual temptation – but acting on this desire is the sin. First Corinthians 10:13 says “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” There is a way of escape for every temptation including homosexuality.

If a relative or friend decides to come out, your reaction is very important and, whether you know it or not, it could determine their walk with the Lord.

  • The first thing I’d advise is that you should act neutral. Shouting, screaming or crying won’t help the situation.
  • Ask the person if he/she wants help with this sin and seek out the advice of a counsellor/pastor.
  • Let him or her know, in love, that homosexuality is a sin, and pray for him or her.
  • Never condemn, criticize or threaten the person (John 8:11) but show love.
  • Don’t stop praying for the person; God can turn his or her life around.

Can homosexuality be overcome? The answer is yes.

Masters and Johnson, a well-known research team in human sexuality, stated that they had a 67% success rate in helping homosexuals revert to heterosexual behaviour. This means a change is POSSIBLE.

If you are struggling with same-sex attraction, it is important to make a definite decision not to give in to the desire. The desire may be strong, as is the desire to steal, smoke, cheat on your spouse etc., but with God you can overcome all temptations.

Maybe you are a Christian but are attracted to someone of the same-sex. Perhaps you are even dating somebody of the same-sex. If you want to conquer your sinful lifestyle, here are some steps you can take:

  • Break off relationship with the homosexual partner.
  • Identify the root cause of the desire and seek to meet it in a healthy way.
  • Don’t dwell in secrecy or denial (Psalm 51:6); come out of the closet and ask for help.
  • Pray for victory over the desires.
  • Talk to a counsellor or pastor.
  • Cultivate an intimate relationship with Christ. Donnie McClurkin mentioned that, for him, overcoming homosexuality was beyond praying, but finding out who he is in Christ.
  • Keep your mind and body pure. (Proverbs 4:23)
  • Watch the company that you keep, and don’t assume that you will be able to resist temptation if you keep company with practicing homosexuals.
  • Be accountable to someone.
  • Face the fact that change is hard work. You have to consciously put your desires and actions under control.

Many sexuality experts have noted that religious discipleship and mentoring is a major factor in overcoming homosexuality for many individuals.

The fight against homosexuality is a fight of honour. You should not accept things as they are; fight for a change (1 Timothy 6:12). The change might not be instantaneous; you must therefore regularly dwell in the presence of God and work on yourself.

Be encouraged, a change is possible!

Pornography – more than just images

by Nomthi Odukoya

“But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” – Matthew 5:28 NKJV

“Isn’t it just naked images? What is the harm in looking, replaying it over and over or fantasizing a little? No one knows I am doing it, and I need an outlet for this sexual energy. It is harmless fun without any consequences.”

The above is how the world makes light the issue of pornography despite its contribution to the death of many relationships and marriages. It is the number one cause of masturbation, sexual assault and sexual deviancy – Had David not looked at Bathsheba’s nakedness, he wouldn’t have committed adultery with her or killed her husband, Uriah (2 Samuel 11).

Pornography has been around for centuries, but the problem of addiction to pornography has increased dramatically in recent years due to its vast presence on the internet. The internet is littered with varying acts of pornography, some of which pop-up unsolicited while you are using the internet.

Most pornographic acts start innocently out of curiously clicking an ad, email or link or reading a magazine. It then becomes a form of escape from stress, relationship problems etc – to forget everything else.

This escape is a sin that has the capacity to enslave and weaken any individual. There is the perception that the woman/man on the screen can trigger and satisfy sexual desires but pornography only leaves the observer feeling worse and exhausted. The supposed cure then becomes a curse.

Robert Peters, President of Morality in Media, stated that the primary factors contributing to the increase in porn use are the four A’s – Accessibility, Affordability, Anonymity and Addiction. The use of pornography starts by fulfilling its promise of satisfaction, after which the guilt and exhaustion set in.

Pornography focuses on fantasy and there is no way your spouse can match with that level of perfection. At times, pornography is subtly packaged, even in advertisement. For example, you see a half naked woman lying down seductively on a fridge, and you wonder what is being sold – the woman or the fridge?

It is therefore imperative to guard what you allow access to your senses. Most people entangled in the web of pornography find it hard to stop it because of its addictive nature.

Below are some of its effects:

  • It leads to poor sexual performance.
  • It destroys trust and intimacy in relationship and can also lead to the end of a marriage.
  • It creates obstacles to real communication and personal interaction.
  • It creates with its addict a distorted view of sexuality and can led to criminal sexual acts.
  • It draws focus away from one’s family and consumes time.
  • It creates a distorted self image.

Pornography is addictive in that it causes a chemical reaction in the brain close to cocaine usage. But unlike when overcoming cocaine, the pornographic images never truly leave your mind. It is therefore no wonder that pornography is equated to adultery in marriage. The best remedy therefore is ABSTINENCE.

If you are already entangled in a pornographic web, below are some tips to overcoming it:

  • Identify and understand that it is a sin
  • Confess your sin and seek counseling (James 5:16)
  • Don’t dwell in secrecy. Speak out and have someone hold you accountable. Sexuality experts state that no one can successfully walk the path of recovery alone. Seek help from a significant other (s). When a spouse opens up on pornographic problem, this is how the partner should respond:
    • Look at your spouse through the eyes of love.
    • Understand that your inadequacies are not the cause of the addiction.
    • It is not your job to stop the pornography but to support your spouse as you see action oriented change.
    • Don’t become too intrusive. Don’t become a member of the police department by checking his phone, computer usage etc. Let him come to you at his pace and time. Deep intrusion will only make him secretive.
    • Pray for your spouse.
  • Cut off the source: Use a web filter to screen out potential internet websites that contain pornography. You can allow your friend who won’t divulge the password set it. (Matthew 5:30) Stick to reputable sites, and use safe search engines. If a site or link looks questionable, don’t let curiosity get the better side of you.
  • Use the internet wisely – don’t use the computer in a room where there is no one.
  • Dispose of that VCD or DVD; don’t feed your lust.
  • Change routine or environment that leads to pornographic usage. (Job 31:1)
  • Avoid all form of idleness, engaging in constructive activities, and spend less time alone especially by the computer.
  • Guard your heart and the five senses through which your heart is fed. (Psalm 119:9-10)
  • Stay in the word of God. Kirk Franklin stated that his freedom from pornography came after being taught the Truth.
  • Deal with the guilt that might surface after your victory.

Dr Fitzgibbons, Director of the Institute for Marital Healing near Philadelphia, emphasizes the need for a strong spiritual component if a man is to address and overcome his addiction effectively.

Parents also have a responsibility to instill in their children the right kind of values, beliefs and attitudes that will empower them to say no to these infiltrations and lies. Parents must talk openly to their children (from the age of 9 at the most) about the harmful effect of pornography and be willing to answer all sex related questions in an open and safe manner. Statistics show that “90% of children ages 8 – 16 have viewed pornography online, and children ages 12 – 17 are the single largest group of users of internet porn.” These statistics are not about to drop except the family begins to live up to her responsibility of informing and protecting the children.

Pornography is more than just images and fun; it has the capacity to destroy the human mind, relationship and family. Therefore guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. (Proverbs 4:23)

 

Romance: the life line of marriage

by Nomthi Odukoya

“Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love”. (Proverb 5:18-19 NKJV)

Romance comes almost naturally whilst dating but once married, couples tend to become consumed with the daily worries of everyday life such as rent, bills and parenting and forget about each other. A writer commented that marriage is like fire; if you don’t stoke it, it will go out. Romance is one sure way to stoke your marriage.

Romance involves meeting your partner’s most important relationship needs. It is different from sex -you can be romantic but not have sex, and you can have sex with no romance involved. Romance is not about satisfying yourself but satisfying your partner (although that’s not to say you won’t enjoy the process too). It is basically speaking your partner’s love language continuously. There are five basic love languages namely:

  • Words of affirmation;
  • Quality time;
  • Gifts;
  • Acts of service;
  • Physical touch.

Mastery and creative use of the above five languages will give your marriage the required spark.The first step however is to become a student of your spouse. Men and women view romance differently; men tend to be more physical in their expression, while women are usually more relational.

Below are some tips on how to re-ignite the spark:

  • Tell your partner that you love him – Don’t assume that your partner is assured of your love for him. Verbalize your feelings for him, it will go a long way in making your partner feel wanted and secure in the marriage.

You can send a hand written love note – Elaine Orbach, compiled the daily love notes written by her husband into a book titled Remember how I love you: Love letters from an extraordinary Marriage, she concluded by saying “my love poems from Jerry are keepsakes that I will treasure forever”.

  • Pay attention your appearance – The longer people are married, the less attention they tend to pay to their physical appearances. Take time to look good for your spouse. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable around the house, but pay attention to how you present yourself.
  • Take time to touch – A touch seals the moment in memory. It does not necessarily have to be with the intention of having sex, sometimes just holding hands, a gentle caress of the hair or an impromptu back rub or foot massage can go a long way.
  • Take time to laugh together (Proverbs 17:22) – Laughter bonds people together. Jane Leyo says “You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh”. Don’t take yourself too seriously, poke gentle fun at each other but steer clear of sensitive issues or comments. Study what makes your partner laugh and use it.Research has shown that couples that laugh together have a more satisfying love life.
  • Play together – It is important to have fun, don’t get so loaded with pressure and responsibilities. Be kids again, remember some games you played as a child like hide and seek etc. and share the fun with your partner. Even King Solomon played hide and seek with his beloved (Songs of Solomon 3:1-4)
  • Set date nights –Make time to be alone, don’t invite friends or take the kids along.Do something special together at least once a week but be sure to do something you will both enjoy as this will create memories and draw you closer as a couple. It does not have to be anything expensive; you can go for a massage, free dance classes, cooking classes etc.
  • Be encouraging –Let your spouse know how proud you are of him. Never underestimate the power of positive words. Even if your spouse is not living up to your expectations, encourage and applaud how far he has come.

A husband got home to a romantic candle lit dinner prepared by his wife. After the meal, he tried to turn on the light and found that the electrical power was out. His wife responded that ‘the power was cut off because he forgot to pay the bill’, but instead of making a fuss over the issue, she decided to used the situation to their advantage. He apologized and never forgot to pay the bills again. Had she attacked his forgetfulness, she would have missed out on a great opportunity. Criticism kills romance.

  • Revisit shared history – Make time to return to location(s) that hold special meaning to you. Relive good times from the past.
  • Share a hobby– Sharon O’Neill, a marriage and family psychotherapist says, “couples who are not engaged in any joint activities are living parallel lives… there is no real connection. Learning together alleviates boredom, routine and doldrums”.
  • Share yourself –Don’t keep your dreams, fears, likes, dislikes and achievements to yourself. While there is need for personal space, don’t be too far away emotionally from your spouse.
  • Surprises – Make efforts to surprise each other. Don’t always be predictable, do the unexpected for your partner.
  • Take time to kiss passionately (Songs of Solomon 1:2) – Jim Burns suggests that married couple should kiss passionately for at least 15seconds every day. Don’t stick to the automated goodbye kiss.

Sustaining romance in marriage can be hard work. Try to remember the golden rule of “Doing unto others what you want them to do to you.” (Luke 6:31). Romance your spouse till he declares like the bride in Songs of Solomon 2:5 that “I am sick with love”.

Marriage is the best investment that can ever be made, so it is important to do all you can to ensure that your union is successful.

If your partner seems unromantic or unappreciative of your gestures, change your approach! Don’t give up because a good marriage takes work.

Conflict Resolution in Marriage

by Nomthi Odukoya

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Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. (Roman 12:17-18 NKJV)

When two people with different background, personalities, attitudes and idiosyncrasies decide to live together, some sparks are expected to fly. Disagreement is bound to happen in marriage but they do not have to degenerate to hurtful arguments wherein resentment, hatred and often violence or divorce can occur. Resolution of conflict in marriage is very instrumental to the success of any marriage.

If any human relationship will be successful, effective conflict resolutions skills are necessary for the management of conflicts when they arise. Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.

Marriage experts have highlighted the below as the major cause of conflict in marriage:

  • Money – Marriage counselor identify this as the major conflict that leads to divorce
  • In-laws – The type of relationship and influence one’s in-laws can have in the home sometimes cause rift in a relationship
  • Sex – This is an emotional issue. Some partner for fear of hurt or rejection refuse to discuss their feeling about sexual issues
  • Child rearing – This is an energy consuming task, and conflict arise in the area of delegation of duties or pattern of parenting

Some conflicts might require you loving confronting the issue with your partner. Below are thing to watch for when confronting an issue with your partner:

  • Your motivation ­– the purpose of the discussion should be for resolution (Matthew 5:24)
  • Conducive environment – be sensitive to the timing, location and setting. Don’t bring up the subject of conflict if your partner is just getting home from work, stressed, hungry or in front of the children
  • Conversation outlines ­– stick to the issue at hand. Concentrate on the major problem, don’t mix it up with minor problems
  • Your attitude- communication is beyond spoken words, so be cautious of your facial expression and body language

In the process of resolving conflicts, below are some pitfalls to avoid:

  • “Have it your way” – This happens if efforts at the resolution is not successful. This attitude should be avoided because it does not resolve the conflict but defers the day of outburst and revenge. Appeasing or flee the scene of the conflict does not quench the fire of conflict except if the flight is to return to the issue later when there is less tension.
  • “Must have it my way” – This is a selfish tendency that inhibits the progress of resolution process
  • “Have it any way you want” – This is the stage of indifference that is not productivity for any home.

If you and your partner have a difference of opinion, try approaching conflict with some of these guidelines in mind:

  • Pray about the conflict before discussing with your partner
  • Never use the silent treatment
  • Don’t play the blame game, take responsibility for your error
  • Don’t sweep the conflict under the rug either (Hebrews 12:15)
  • Agree to always listen to each other’s feeling even if you disagree with the appropriateness of the feeling (Proverbs 15:1)
  • Never say anything derogatory about your partner’s personality (Proverbs 11:12)
  • Be honest about your emotions but keep them under control (Proverbs 29:11)
  • Don’t try to dominate or monopolize the discussion, allow your partner air his views
  • Determine to always make it work, each should commit to 100% to the resolution (50-50 rule rarely works) (Romans 12:18)
  • Find out facts rather than guessing or assuming motives and actions. Don’t be a mind reader.
  • Don’t jump into conclusion, communicate and talk things over (Proverbs 18:13)
  • Take care of problems that hurt the feeling in the relationship first, then focus on problem of difference in opinion
  • Don’t involve friends, family or in-laws except in extreme cases
  • Attack the issue not the person; don’t attack each other. Eliminate statements such as “You are, you never, you always” instead use “I feel”
  • Never counter-attack or seek revenge (Romans 12:17, 19)
  • Don’t keep an idle mind or meditate on the wrong done
  • Don’t fight over little things. No one is perfect, don’t complain about every little thing
  • Be willing to compromise and forgive (Ephesians 4:23) once an offence has been forgive, it means it has been wiped off the slate and would not be revisited in future discussion nor a consequence given. 1 Corinthians 13 says “Love keeps no record of wrong”.

When you say “am sorry”, mean it and don’t repeat the same mistake again

  • The resolution of the conflict is most important, not who wins or lose. Find a common ground.

Conflict in itself is not bad because it simply reflects your difference; however, unresolved conflict is like cancer eating away at the very core of the home. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath (Ephesians 4:23). Pray about the issue if need be and address it accordingly.

Your partner is not the cause of your anger, it is an emotion that resides within and can be controlled.

 

 

Sex education and your little children

by Nomthi Odukoya

 Sex-Ed

“Mummy, can I have sex?” Joy asked

“Ehn??  Sex? No ooo, you must not till you marry” her mother stammers.

“Can I at least kiss?”

“Don’t kiss either” her mother replies and walks out, shocked at her daughter’s questions but leaving the child more confused by not offering further information.

The trepidation with which parents approach sexual related talks with their children is disheartening. Most parents would rather relinquish the role to schoolteachers or the mass media. Although I do not wish to condemn this, after all teachers are supposed to instruct our children, however, most of the teachings are purely concerned with the physical act of sex. Other parents put down a blanket rule of sex being banned with the reasons given being “Because I said so!” or “Because God said it’s a sin!” Others, feeling it is inevitable, may hand their son or daughter a condom and tell them to “be safe.”  The child thereby tolls the old path of“experience is the best teacher”.

Proverb 22: 6 says “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it”. Sexual education should start at an early age however the degree of information should be age appropriate.  As a child grows, certain sexual related questions will arise and it is the parent’s responsibility to proactively answer the questions. The parent may have to compete with the hyper sexualized media, tolerant sex education in the school, peer pressure and the child’s desire to explore.

Taking into account the number of competing alternative information sources, it is imperative to constantly pray for and with your children. As you pray, the Lord will build a hedge around your children.

Talking to your children about sex and sexuality can be uncomfortable at first but with time and practice, it will get easier.Seize teachable moments as they occur, the discussion could be initiated from watching a movie on puberty or sex, or seeing a pregnant teenage neighbour. Tell your daughter where NO ONE should ever touch her until she is married – with the exception of a medical doctor if she needs to be examined. She should also start cleaning herself from an earlyage.

Let me point out here that certain myths as told to us by our parents like “if you use a guy’s toilet you will be pregnant”, “Don’t go near the guy’s hostel lest you be fried and eaten” etc. might not be applicable to this generation, given their level of exposure. You have to be realistic in your explanations and conversation with your children.

Other things to do asides the teaching:

  1. Develop a relationship with your children so that they can tell you anything.
  2. Build trust in your children. Most children don’t tell their parent if they are being harassed or molested sexually because the perpetrator tells them “no one will believe you” or threatens their safety and the child believes him/her (the molester).
  3. Let your children trust you with their secrets and also believe that you trust them and will believe them if they tell you, even if it about their stepfather or uncle. In 2 Samuel 13, Absalom took the law into his own hands because David did nothing about Tamar’s rape- do something within the confinement of the law of your land and the laws of God.
  4. Ensure parental control on certain movies and videos.
  5. Be watchful of the environment in which your child is allowed to stay. Don’t allow your child stay unguarded with anyone of the opposite sex. The devil can use anyone that yields to him.

Given the increase in the rate of child molestation, the below are signs to watch out for in children:

  1. Withdrawal – sudden withdraw from people including her family and friends or becoming unnecessarily clingy.
  2. Becoming unusually secretive
  3. Sudden personality change, mood swings or insecurity
  4. Acting in an inappropriate sexual way with toys or objects
  5. Regression to infantile behaviours such as bedwetting, thumb sucking etc.
  6. Sudden reluctance to being left alone with a particular child or person
  7. New adult word for body part and no obvious source
  8. Physical signs such as unexplainable bruises or pain in the genital or mouth.

If you notice any of the above sign(s), create a dialogue and ask questions. No evil will befall your children in Jesus name.

 

Also read “RAPE!!! Unmask it”in the link below:

http://familybliss.nomthiodukoya.org/2013/07/23/rape-unmask-it/

 

 

Who is responsible for the pregnancy?

by Nomthi Odukoya

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“And who is responsible for your pregnancy?” he quizzed with a serious look on his face.

“You” she stutters, not because she is not sure, but the audacity of his question rocked her. He knows he is her only boyfriend.

I am sure you can figure out the end of the story. The girl is left with two options: either have an abortion or raise a fatherless child by herself. God admonishes that sex should be within the confinement of marriage. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is honorable by all and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge“ and 1Cor 6:18 says, “Flee sexual immorality”.

Let’s replay that same scenario in a marriage setting, and here is what you hear.

“Honey, we are pregnant”. She squeals

“I am going to be a Father?You are not working for now; I don’t want anything to happen to my daughter”, he exclaims excitedly while rubbing her stomach

“No, it’s a boy” she responds

“It’s a girl”, he insists as he places his ears to her stomach and the joy goes on…

The above reactions are not cast in stone, as situations vary. But the disparity in the two responses is common in the different scenarios. Our world is rapidly evolving in such a way that being a virgin is seen as an embarrassing social status, whilst being sexually active at a young age is being normalized.With television shows, such as MTV‘s ‘16 and pregnant’, seemingly celebrating the decisions of teenagers to engage in pre-marital sex, chastity is increasingly becoming a tough decision to uphold. But regardless of what the world accepts and approves of, the standard of God will not be compromised.

Chastity before marriage is the key.

How is it possible?

ABSTINENCE!!

Is this the only way?? Yes. It is the only guaranteed guide against unwanted pregnancy. Don’t be deceived by condoms, both male and female condoms can break even if you both wear more than one. The Bible instructs against sex before marriage- 1 Thess 4:3-5 says “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honour, not in passion or lust like the Gentiles who do not know God”.

Guard your access. Not just access to your body, but access to your mind- don’t watch erotic movies or videos or read pornographic magazines and expect your mind to be pure.

Don’t stay alone in an enclosed place with the opposite sex. Let your boyfriend know when you need to go outside to be in the company of others. Don’t assume your strength against sexual desires.

Don’t use sex to sustain a relationship. If a man loves you, he will protect you even from himself. Sex does not keep a man neither does it guarantee a good home.

What are the possible consequences?

  1. Complications during pregnancy like weak pelvic bones, obstetric fistula. The World Health Organisation (WHO) states that stillbirth and newborn death are 50% higher among infants born to adolescent mothers.
  2. The mother might have to dropout from school and the possibility of giving the child a good life and education is lowered.
  3. Shame and ridicule from family and friends.
  4. Abortion if the man refuses paternity of the child.WHO estimates that 3million unsafe abortions occur globally every year amongst teens. Adolescent pregnancy is a major contributor to maternal and child mortality, and to the vicious cycle of ill-health and poverty.

Aside from the physical aspects of pre-marital sex, there is also the spiritual damage caused by it.Sex outside of marriage leads to an emotional imbalance, as every person you have sex with takes a piece of you and you also take a piece of them. Sex is a spiritual exchange;the Bible says “two will become one flesh” (Mark 10:8). It is not just an exchange of emotions or body fluids, it involves your spirit, that why some people are bonded with someone they have had sex with, and he seem to also have a reign over them.

If you are already pregnant, understand that you are not alone. It can be scary and lonely and you should talk to your parent, counsellor or Pastor. Don’t opt for an abortion; you have a human being developing within you (21days after conception, the child’s heart is already beating).You are valuable to God regardless of where you have been or what you have done. Make a decision to live for Him going forward and watch him decorate your life.