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Money Talks – till “death” do us part, not till “debt” do us part

by Nomthi Odukoya

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Money affects our actions on a daily basis. Everyday decisions, for example: should I take a bus or a cab, should I eat out or at home, can I afford this new dress – and so on. These choices are all affected by money. .

Since money has such an effect on our daily lives, one would expect it to be an important topic of discussion during courtship. Too much concern about your intended spouse’s financial wellbeing might make you look materialistic. The topic of money is almost treated as a taboo in relationships. Finance is rarely discussed before marriage; people assume that they know their partner’s financial mind-set and capacity. However, to ignore finance is to ignore the number one cause of broken marriages. According to Larry Burkett “Money is the #1 cause of divorce, not to mention the major cause of all marital fights.” This is heightened as opposite personalities tend to attract; so a spendthrift could in all probability end up dating or married to a penny-pincher.

I’m not saying that you should bring up the issue of money in the early stages of a new relationship, or with someone you are casually dating or have no future with; this might well scare the person off, but one shouldn’t be afraid to broach the subject.

Gender plays a major role in financial decisions. Men are known to take more risks and not save for emergencies, while women see money as a measure of security, and gravitate towards rainy-day funds. These attributes are not cast in stone, as women are increasingly taking on risks.

I remember the story of a girl who wanted to break-up with her fiancé because he bought her a Bible on her birthday.

“I can’t take it anymore,” she exclaimed.

“Don’t you like the Bible?” she was asked.

“It’s not that,” she replied. “He is just always stingy. He can afford to buy me something expensive but he won’t because he thinks it is being wasteful.”

Obviously, their views about spending differ. Their differences, if understood and harnessed, could be complementary and provide a safety net against extremes. A famous cleric and counsellor said, “The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” The critical issue is to walk hand in hand, appreciating your differences. Amos 3:3 says, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” This togetherness requires that certain questions regarding finance be discussed before you say ‘I do’.

  • What is his attitude concerning savings?
  • What is his attitude towards loans and repayment?
  • When you eat out, does he check the bill before paying?
  • Will you be splitting bills?
  • Should you have a joint account?
  • What financial decisions can be made independently and what decisions should be made jointly?
  • What is his attitude to you earning more than him?

Please understand that I am not in any way advocating marrying for money, but a sense of economic responsibility is required from whomever you decide to marry. Don’t say, “I don’t care about money” and then secretly harbour resentment against your spouse for not providing the lifestyle you expected. Remember it’s until “death” do us part, not until “debt” do us part. Can you live with his financial decisions?

Don’t assume that because you and your partner don’t think alike, you cannot get married. Opposite viewpoints can provide tremendous balance and strength to a relationship. However, understanding is needed to make it work.

Don’t ever think you can change anyone either; they formed their habits long before they met you and are unlikely to change because of you.

Courtship is the time to get to know your partner. Make sure you understand his/her opinion on financial matters and put your opinions across too. Then agree on how you would structure your finances as a couple if you were to get married.

It Is Morning

by Nomthi Odukoya

Build houses and dwell in them; plant gardens and eat their fruits. Take wives and beget sons and daughters; and take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands, so that they may bear sons and daughters – that you may be increased there, and not diminished. And seek the peace of the city where I have caused you to be carried away captive, and pray to the Lord for it; for in its peace you will have peace. Jeremiah 29:-5-7

I have heard that the phrase “there is a blessing in singleness” is a cliché! But it is similar to what God was saying to the children of Israel: be blessed while in captivity. This indicates that some miracles will require a waiting period and a being blessed during the wait.

The gap between when heaven seems silent and when the miracle happens is your waiting period. And the duration of waiting differs. It depends majorly on God’s providence and your ability to quickly understand what He is trying to teach you.

Are you waiting on God for a life partner? Have you prayed, fasted, seemingly done all there is to do but there is no response? To you, your biological clock is ticking yet it seems that God is not in a hurry. It simply means that God is taking you through the process of waiting. James 1:3-4 says “…knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete lacking nothing.” God could have rescued the children of Israel, but He decided to make them wait till they were complete before the deliverance came.

While waiting for the right person, don’t put your life on hold: get that degree, go for the promotion, buy the car or house, start that ministry. Simply put, do something while you wait like God command the child of Israel.

Be successful; seek ways to help others while you wait. Time waits for no one and every minute lost cannot be regained, so use your time wisely. Zacharias continued in the place of service while waiting for a son. One day the Angel of God appeared to him with his miracle (Luke 1:7-8).  Your one day is here! Arise, shine!

Don’t allow the temporary situation of being alone make you desperate and settle for less than God has for you. Desperation breeds mistakes. Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thought of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” God has a plan for you.

While in prison, Joseph was a successful dream interpreter till one day, when his gift made way for him. The butler remembered him and Pharaoh asked that he be brought quickly (Genesis 41:14). I believe that the Word of God is coming for you to be brought quickly to the front of the line.

Several times in the Bible, the psalmist practically cried “Come quickly, Lord.” I am sure we all identify with the writer. We sometimes hope the Lord will answer NOW?  But scriptures say our ways are not His ways, neither are our thoughts His thoughts. The blessed assurance is: “Though weeping may endure for the night, joy comes in the morning.”

Look out of your window, it is morning!

DON’T QUIT

by Nomthi Odukoya

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A young soldier fell in love with an American Red Cross girl and therefore decided to divorce his wife, with two kids. Upon his return to America, he asked his wife for a divorce saying he was in love with someone else (the Red Cross girl).

But his wife had a quaker upbringing, which meant that she had a quiet inner strength. She did not panic or fly into jealous rage. Instead she told her husband that she knew him better and would not give him the divorce. He pleaded and told her how unreasonable holding on to him sounded. She insisted that she believed God’s plan for them was to be together and not divorce, and that their marriage was only going through a storm that would soon pass.

The husband left home in annoyance and moved in with the Red Cross girl, hoping his wife would become frustrated and give in to his request, but the wife got on her knees and prayed to God for the restoration of her marriage. After a long wait, the Red Cross girl decided to leave him, having realized how ridiculous it was living with a married man that could not be her husband. By this time, the man was also missing his family.

He finally went back home amid tears and apologies to his wife, who welcomed him quietly. Saved by the emotional balance, prayers and good sense of a godly woman, the marriage was restored.

Every marriage is a ministry. This ministry, like every other, has its ups and downs, and no two marriages are exactly same. There is however a consolation, as written in 1 Corinthians 10:13, that no temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. There is a solution to every challenge faced in marriage and the strength of any marriage is dependent on the challenges it is able to overcome.

Just as shoe sizes are different, so are marital issues peculiar to individual experiences. The devil does not want successful and happy marriages. According to John 10:10, the devil’s aim is to kill, steal and destroy. There are various ways by which the devil tries to destroy marriages: infidelity, adultery, etc. The way to confront these vices will be discussed in other writings.

God has equipped you with the needed grace to handle your spouse, so do not easily give up on him/her. Just like the woman in the story, there is an inner strength in everyone to handle his/her spouse and home.

You may wish you could change your spouse or even think that you should not have married him/her, but remember that God is faithful and will not give you more than you can bear. You may say ‘you don’t know what I am going through’. You are right that I do not, but I know God’s ability to save the marriage of all who call on him. The way of escape stated in the Bible is not divorce; it is the inner strength from God to pray and fight through for our marriages. John 14:13 says, “Whatever you ask in my name, that I will do.” That is a blank cheque from God. You can ask for grace to handle your home. Some of your friends upon hearing your story might say, ‘I can’t stand such nonsense.’ They are absolutely right because they can stand theirs but not yours because you are involved in two different marriages and married to two different persons.

Statistics show that we have more divorces than we have stable marriages. The devil will have us believe that nothing can be done to save our marriages, but that is not true. Every one of us can do something, no matter how small. You will be amazed at the result. Ezekiel 22:30 says, “I sought for a man among them who would make a wall, and stand in the gap before me on behalf of the land, that I should not destroy it; but I found no one.” Be the one to stand in the gap for your spouse and family.