unbeliever

Living with an unbelieving spouse

by Nomthi Odukoya

And a woman who has a husband, who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. – 1 Corinthians 7:13-14 NKJV

If you are a believer, God specifically forbids you from marrying an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). However, if you have a spouse who is an unbeliever, the Bible does not permit you to divorce him/her. That is precisely what the opening scripture states.

You can win your spouse over with your attitude, love and dedication. So don’t give up on him because he is not a believer. And don’t look for the way out either. Remember, divorce is not the solution to any marital problem (1 Corinthians 7:12-13).

Here are things you can do:

  • Pray for your spouse. The spiritual governs the physical; you can win your spouse’s salvation on your knees. God can use your marriage to show His love to your spouse.
  • Develop the right attitude. Let your attitude and words depict Jesus (1 Peter 3:15); you don’t necessarily have to open your Bible to preach to him. 1 Peter 3:1-2 says “Wives, be submissive to your husbands, that even if some do not obey the word that they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.”  Deal with him with love and respect. 1 Corinthians 13 should be your love compass.

Your spirituality is not a form of superiority; it should breed maturity in you (Philippians2:3-4). Be Christ-like in your dealings with your spouse (1 Timothy 4:12). You should strive to live peaceably with him, by being respectful and submissive.

  •  Be careful of what you focus on. Don’t focus on the hurt – the loneliness of being in church by yourself or the harsh words that might have been directed towards your faith. Forgive his harsh actions and inconsideration. Don’t try to act like the martyr for your family; allow the Holy Spirit do His work in him.
  •  Seek his permission before attending any service, especially if he does not like you staying out for too long or late. Now, I am not suggesting obedience to your husband to the detriment of the Word of God. But as long as his instructions are in line with the Word of God, please obey him.

You can invite him for special functions like Father’s Day, Couples’ Dinners, and Movie Nights etc. he may well be happy to come along.

  • Help your children to understand, if necessary, the fact that their father doesn’t know God (yet), and encourage them to pray for him as well.

You might say “I have done all the above but there is no change in him.” If you are in this situation, remember that the time and the season might not be given to us to know, but be assured that God is still in the heart-changing ministry (Proverbs 21:1).

Don’t be discouraged…

Unequally Yoked

by Nomthi Odukoya

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“Does my Pastor hate me? Why is she so against my new boyfriend?”She asked in exasperation. “Can’t she see that he is better than all the other ‘brothers’ I have dated? He opens the car door for me, allows me to win every argument while subtly stating his opinion, and showers me with gifts and attention. Even his family practically adores me, and he does not stop me from serving God. What more can I ask for? If it’s about his belief in God, I can change that once we are married.”

This statement is used far too frequently as the justification for dating an unbeliever: “I can change him.”

More often than not, this ends up being a wish, and not a reality. Do you really believe that you have the capacity to change anyone?

The choice of who to marry is one of the most important in life; some might say the second most important decision you can make – after giving your life to Christ. To make it based on a belief that your spouse might change his beliefs is a chance that you shouldn’t take, as a decision that will determine your future shouldn’t be left to chance.

The Bible is clear that we shouldn’t marry an unbeliever, and the reality is that God will not bend his rules because of you. 2Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?” So to disobey God and then expect Him to fix it for you is unwise. Ignoring Biblical instruction and then believing God to change your spouse/boyfriend could be likened to boxing yourself in a cage, throwing away the key and then expecting God to break you out.

You cannot change anybody’s heart –that is the job of the Holy Spirit. So unless you have swapped job descriptions with Him (Holy Spirit) you will be frustrated.

This instruction not to date or marry an unbeliever is for your benefit, not God’s. There have been a few cases where the guy does change but these are exceptions, not the rule. You can avoid heartbreak or a failed marriage by heeding Biblical instruction. If your partner is a true Christian with the fear of God, it will be easier for you to overcome the inevitable trials of marriage.

I am not saying that if your boyfriend/spouse is a Christian, you will not have issues. However the advantage is that you both can state your problem before God and jointly believe Him for a change. Ecclesiastes 4:9 says that two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labour. It is also easier to handle temptation if you have same beliefs – as neither of you will do anything to entice the other to sin.

If you eventually get married to an unbeliever, the disparity between your belief systems could be confusing to the mind of little children who would see their parents profess different faiths. Naturally you will want your children to know, love and serve God, but if one of their parents does not, there is every chance that they could grow up to be unbelievers also. Why put the salvation of your children at risk? There is a Christian man with the fear of God for you.

Avoid an unequal yoke…