pornography

Talking To Your Children about Masturbation

by Nomthi Odukoya

But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown brings forth death – James 1:14-15 NKJV

An intelligent young man once asked me, “Is it wrong to masturbate?” Although this is one question asked by many young people, masturbation is one of the least discussed sexual topics in the church. Yet it is something that can affect the whole family – from our children to our spouses.

The question is: What is masturbation? It is the manual self-stimulation of the genital organs to derive sexual pleasure. And all kinds of people masturbate: young and old, single and married, male and female.

As we grow, our sexual desires become particularly strong. This is more so when we reach puberty. Because we encourage our children to abstain from sex before marriage, many choose to masturbate instead because it seems like a harmless alternative to sex. After all, they cannot get pregnant or impregnate somebody, they will not catch any diseases and they can remain virgins while reliving pent up sexual tension. However, masturbation is almost inevitably associated with sexual fantasies and this is where the problem lies – it is the product of a sinful process.

When a person masturbates, a sexual fantasy is needed to arouse them; this can be in the form of a mental image or thoughts that stir their sexuality, or through visual aids such as dirty magazines or pornography. Therefore the thoughts required to masturbate go directly against the teachings of Jesus Christ concerning lust: ‘But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart’ (Matthew 5:28). Jesus is telling us that lustful thoughts (for anyone other than our spouse) are sinful. So masturbation is not a harmless alternative to sex for young and/or unmarried people; it is a result of sinful thoughts and feelings.

For most people who masturbate, it is something they do a few times a month, a few times a year or even a few times in their lifetime. However, for some, masturbation can become an addiction that inhibits other areas of their lives. It is a habit that could go on to become a marital issue later in life.

It is therefore important that parents do not leave out masturbation when discussing sex with their children. And if you learn that your child is masturbating, do not panic; seize the opportunity to have an open discussion with him/her. Help your children with practical things that may reduce the temptation to masturbate. Encourage them to spend time with the family instead of being alone in their bedrooms. Put desktop computers in communal spaces instead of the child’s bedroom. Set parental controls on internet-connected devices and television.

God created sex, and so sexual desires are a part of being human. We need to let our children understand that while the sexual desires that begin to awaken during adolescence are normal, acting on these desires before marriage is a distortion of the goodness of sex within the context of marriage. Ask God to guide your children, and pray with them often that God will help them to resist temptation.

Homosexuality: Coming out of the closet

by Nomthi Odukoya

The term ‘coming out of the closet’ is used to describe the process of a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT) person accepting his/her sexual orientation/identity and sharing that identity with others.

The dialogue surrounding homosexuality is increasing both at home and abroad. Presently 15 countries, including the UK and South Africa, allow same-sex marriages. There are also some states in Mexico and the USA that allow same-sex couples to wed.  On Thursday, 30th May, 2013, Nigeria’s parliament adopted the Same-Sex Marriage (Prohibition) Bill, a law that foresees up to 14 years imprisonment (or death in 12 northern states) for gay, lesbian and bisexual people who marry or display affection – this is labelled the harshest piece of legislation against LGBT people in the world. This bill has been widely condemned throughout the world as unnecessary (as no-one had ever asked for same-sex marriage in Nigeria).

There have been many different explanations on why homosexuality occurs. Below are three common schools of thought:

  1. For many homosexuals, they strongly believe that their sexual orientation is biological and cannot be changed. They reason that, just as being ‘straight’ is not a conscious choice, neither is being gay.
  2. Sigmund Freud’s basic theory of human sexuality believes that all human beings were innately bisexual, and that they become heterosexual or homosexual as a result of their experiences with parents and others. This presupposes that everyone has the ability to choose his/her sexuality and desires.
  3. A number of experts relate homosexuality to unresolved issues of rejection, abuse, gender identity, self-perception, fear or distrust. There are some instances where homosexual desires were first stirred in childhood through sexual contact with a homosexual adult. American singer and minister Donnie McClurkin, for example, was sexually abused in his childhood and has stated that as a result of it, he ‘struggled’ with homosexuality for most of his adult life.

Homosexuality is like any other sin with its consequences (Leviticus 18:22-25). Roman 1:26-27 says “For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.”

As Christians, we must, by God’s grace, hold fast to His plan for human sexuality: marriage between one man and one woman, one time, for the couple’s mutual joy and the procreation of children. We are called to speak God’s truth and call sin, sin. We should confront all kinds of sin, including homosexuality, but the Bible teaches that when confronting sin, “the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness” (2 Timothy 2:24-25). We are also commanded to love one another. Too often, we are so consumed with confronting sin that we fail to do so in love.

First Corinthians 6:9-10 says “…or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”

Let me ask you: Do you know anyone that cheats on his or her spouse? Do you know anyone who steals? Do you know anyone who gets drunk? You probably have come across someone living a sinful life. I’m sure you did not abuse them though; neither did you approve of them being flogged or mistreated. So why then do we treat homosexuals with so much vitriol?

That’s not to say that we should encourage homosexuality. That’s not to say that the many gay churches springing up around the world are right in what they are doing. Just as it would be wrong to start an adulterer church or a church for liars, a church that accepts sin of any kind is failing in its mandate to be a pillar of truth.

The Bible does not condemn homosexual temptation – but acting on this desire is the sin. First Corinthians 10:13 says “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” There is a way of escape for every temptation including homosexuality.

If a relative or friend decides to come out, your reaction is very important and, whether you know it or not, it could determine their walk with the Lord.

  • The first thing I’d advise is that you should act neutral. Shouting, screaming or crying won’t help the situation.
  • Ask the person if he/she wants help with this sin and seek out the advice of a counsellor/pastor.
  • Let him or her know, in love, that homosexuality is a sin, and pray for him or her.
  • Never condemn, criticize or threaten the person (John 8:11) but show love.
  • Don’t stop praying for the person; God can turn his or her life around.

Can homosexuality be overcome? The answer is yes.

Masters and Johnson, a well-known research team in human sexuality, stated that they had a 67% success rate in helping homosexuals revert to heterosexual behaviour. This means a change is POSSIBLE.

If you are struggling with same-sex attraction, it is important to make a definite decision not to give in to the desire. The desire may be strong, as is the desire to steal, smoke, cheat on your spouse etc., but with God you can overcome all temptations.

Maybe you are a Christian but are attracted to someone of the same-sex. Perhaps you are even dating somebody of the same-sex. If you want to conquer your sinful lifestyle, here are some steps you can take:

  • Break off relationship with the homosexual partner.
  • Identify the root cause of the desire and seek to meet it in a healthy way.
  • Don’t dwell in secrecy or denial (Psalm 51:6); come out of the closet and ask for help.
  • Pray for victory over the desires.
  • Talk to a counsellor or pastor.
  • Cultivate an intimate relationship with Christ. Donnie McClurkin mentioned that, for him, overcoming homosexuality was beyond praying, but finding out who he is in Christ.
  • Keep your mind and body pure. (Proverbs 4:23)
  • Watch the company that you keep, and don’t assume that you will be able to resist temptation if you keep company with practicing homosexuals.
  • Be accountable to someone.
  • Face the fact that change is hard work. You have to consciously put your desires and actions under control.

Many sexuality experts have noted that religious discipleship and mentoring is a major factor in overcoming homosexuality for many individuals.

The fight against homosexuality is a fight of honour. You should not accept things as they are; fight for a change (1 Timothy 6:12). The change might not be instantaneous; you must therefore regularly dwell in the presence of God and work on yourself.

Be encouraged, a change is possible!

Pornography – more than just images

by Nomthi Odukoya

“But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” – Matthew 5:28 NKJV

“Isn’t it just naked images? What is the harm in looking, replaying it over and over or fantasizing a little? No one knows I am doing it, and I need an outlet for this sexual energy. It is harmless fun without any consequences.”

The above is how the world makes light the issue of pornography despite its contribution to the death of many relationships and marriages. It is the number one cause of masturbation, sexual assault and sexual deviancy – Had David not looked at Bathsheba’s nakedness, he wouldn’t have committed adultery with her or killed her husband, Uriah (2 Samuel 11).

Pornography has been around for centuries, but the problem of addiction to pornography has increased dramatically in recent years due to its vast presence on the internet. The internet is littered with varying acts of pornography, some of which pop-up unsolicited while you are using the internet.

Most pornographic acts start innocently out of curiously clicking an ad, email or link or reading a magazine. It then becomes a form of escape from stress, relationship problems etc – to forget everything else.

This escape is a sin that has the capacity to enslave and weaken any individual. There is the perception that the woman/man on the screen can trigger and satisfy sexual desires but pornography only leaves the observer feeling worse and exhausted. The supposed cure then becomes a curse.

Robert Peters, President of Morality in Media, stated that the primary factors contributing to the increase in porn use are the four A’s – Accessibility, Affordability, Anonymity and Addiction. The use of pornography starts by fulfilling its promise of satisfaction, after which the guilt and exhaustion set in.

Pornography focuses on fantasy and there is no way your spouse can match with that level of perfection. At times, pornography is subtly packaged, even in advertisement. For example, you see a half naked woman lying down seductively on a fridge, and you wonder what is being sold – the woman or the fridge?

It is therefore imperative to guard what you allow access to your senses. Most people entangled in the web of pornography find it hard to stop it because of its addictive nature.

Below are some of its effects:

  • It leads to poor sexual performance.
  • It destroys trust and intimacy in relationship and can also lead to the end of a marriage.
  • It creates obstacles to real communication and personal interaction.
  • It creates with its addict a distorted view of sexuality and can led to criminal sexual acts.
  • It draws focus away from one’s family and consumes time.
  • It creates a distorted self image.

Pornography is addictive in that it causes a chemical reaction in the brain close to cocaine usage. But unlike when overcoming cocaine, the pornographic images never truly leave your mind. It is therefore no wonder that pornography is equated to adultery in marriage. The best remedy therefore is ABSTINENCE.

If you are already entangled in a pornographic web, below are some tips to overcoming it:

  • Identify and understand that it is a sin
  • Confess your sin and seek counseling (James 5:16)
  • Don’t dwell in secrecy. Speak out and have someone hold you accountable. Sexuality experts state that no one can successfully walk the path of recovery alone. Seek help from a significant other (s). When a spouse opens up on pornographic problem, this is how the partner should respond:
    • Look at your spouse through the eyes of love.
    • Understand that your inadequacies are not the cause of the addiction.
    • It is not your job to stop the pornography but to support your spouse as you see action oriented change.
    • Don’t become too intrusive. Don’t become a member of the police department by checking his phone, computer usage etc. Let him come to you at his pace and time. Deep intrusion will only make him secretive.
    • Pray for your spouse.
  • Cut off the source: Use a web filter to screen out potential internet websites that contain pornography. You can allow your friend who won’t divulge the password set it. (Matthew 5:30) Stick to reputable sites, and use safe search engines. If a site or link looks questionable, don’t let curiosity get the better side of you.
  • Use the internet wisely – don’t use the computer in a room where there is no one.
  • Dispose of that VCD or DVD; don’t feed your lust.
  • Change routine or environment that leads to pornographic usage. (Job 31:1)
  • Avoid all form of idleness, engaging in constructive activities, and spend less time alone especially by the computer.
  • Guard your heart and the five senses through which your heart is fed. (Psalm 119:9-10)
  • Stay in the word of God. Kirk Franklin stated that his freedom from pornography came after being taught the Truth.
  • Deal with the guilt that might surface after your victory.

Dr Fitzgibbons, Director of the Institute for Marital Healing near Philadelphia, emphasizes the need for a strong spiritual component if a man is to address and overcome his addiction effectively.

Parents also have a responsibility to instill in their children the right kind of values, beliefs and attitudes that will empower them to say no to these infiltrations and lies. Parents must talk openly to their children (from the age of 9 at the most) about the harmful effect of pornography and be willing to answer all sex related questions in an open and safe manner. Statistics show that “90% of children ages 8 – 16 have viewed pornography online, and children ages 12 – 17 are the single largest group of users of internet porn.” These statistics are not about to drop except the family begins to live up to her responsibility of informing and protecting the children.

Pornography is more than just images and fun; it has the capacity to destroy the human mind, relationship and family. Therefore guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. (Proverbs 4:23)