Emotional Affairs

by Nomthi Odukoya

One of the most important fabrics of human life is the capacity to form and maintain relationships. Relationships can be physical, spiritual and emotional. Women are emotional and therefore tend to first bond emotionally with others before physical and/or spiritual relational bonds are formed.

Emotional bonds are created and strengthened by communication. In other words, you will bond emotionally with those who you talk to regularly, and if it is the opposite sex, a physical bond can follow. This makes it imperative to guard against access to your emotions. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard your heart with all diligence because out of it stems the issues of life”.

Any unchecked communication breakdown between your spouse and yourself will open you up to external interference. Most women will only bond with a third person after being hurt or abandoned by their spouse. The trick of the devil is to create a gulf between you and your spouse so his antics can prevail. Heed the instruction of the Bible, and don’t allow the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26). Resolve every issue and keep your friendship intact.

The emotional affair is the most subtle and unassuming form of adultery; it occurs when two people take friendship to a deeper level but excludes any forms of sexual intimacy. Once you get close enough to someone to share your dreams, fears, hopes and aspirations, the friendship takes on a life of its own. An emotional affair does not depend only on the amount of time spent together but the experiences shared. The assumption is that “you are not sleeping with him; he is just your friend”. When you exchange sensual messages or your flirt with your colleague, you are being caught in a trap.

There is the disillusion that because the relationship is not physical, it is not harmful. The reality is, where a woman’s heart is, her body will eventually follow.

Warning signs of an emotional affair:

Going out of your way to attract his attention
Changing your wardrobe or posture to educe compliments from him
Displaying glittery body language when he is around
Being excited about spending time with him and concealing the amount of time spent together from your spouse
Enjoying his company more than your spouse’s
Wishing that he were your husband
Turning to him to meet your emotional needs
Looking to him for words of affirmation
Neglecting your family to spend time with him
Acting irritably towards your spouse and always ready to pick up a fight
Not answering certain calls in the presence of your spouse or deleting certain text messages from your phone

If you observe any of the above, you could be in an emotional affair – pull back and put a stop to it.

The former Governor of South Carolina(US), Mark Sanford, was once thought of as a potential presidential candidate – such was his appeal amongst voters. However his political ambitions were ruined when it was discovered that he was engaged in an affair with an Argentinian journalist. When the affair was exposed, he stated that the relationship with the woman in Argentina started innocently but then escalated. If he had never formed a close private friendship with her, he would never have fallen sexually. It is not enough to say he is just my friend. Does your spouse know ‘your friend’ and the type of things you discuss?

Secrecy is the lifeline of such affairs. Psychologists say that emotional affairs are now a common issue of discussion in couple’s therapy, as increasing numbers of people are cheating on their spouses emotionally rather than physically. Emotional bonds can actually be more damaging than physical bonds because it involves deep connection, support and companionship that should be shared with your partner.

If the emotional bond between a man and a woman is weakened, trust is hard to regain or rebuild. Paula Hall, a psychotherapist at Relate says, “Emotional affairs can be as devastating as sexual infidelity.”

Here is how to deal with the affair:

Confront your feeling and discuss it with your partner. Communication is very important.
Pray about your relationship with the third party – ask God to help you distance yourself emotionally from him.
Cut off all communication with the third party; this includes emails, phone calls, text and/or visits
Set relationship boundaries in general, but especially with the opposite sex
See a Counsellor or Pastor (if necessary)

Do not blame the cause of the affair on your husband’s failure to meet your emotional needs; take responsibility for your action. Your marriage is too important; it is just a matter of time before an emotional affair will mature into a sexual affair. Your body is the temple of God (1 Corinthians 6:19), so it is imperative that you guard against any form of affair.

Money Talks – till “death” do us part, not till “debt” do us part

by Nomthi Odukoya

Money affects our actions on a daily basis. Everyday decisions, for example: should I take a bus or a cab, should I eat out or at home, can I afford this new dress – and so on. These choices are all affected by money. .

Since money has such an effect on our daily lives, one would expect it to be an important topic of discussion during courtship. Too much concern about your intended spouse’s financial wellbeing might make you look materialistic. The topic of money is almost treated as a taboo in relationships. Finance is rarely discussed before marriage; people assume that they know their partner’s financial mind-set and capacity. However, to ignore finance is to ignore the number one cause of broken marriages. According to Larry Burkett “Money is the #1 cause of divorce, not to mention the major cause of all marital fights.” This is heightened as opposite personalities tend to attract; so a spendthrift could in all probability end up dating or married to a penny-pincher.

I’m not saying that you should bring up the issue of money in the early stages of a new relationship, or with someone you are casually dating or have no future with; this might well scare the person off, but one shouldn’t be afraid to broach the subject.

Gender plays a major role in financial decisions. Men are known to take more risks and not save for emergencies, while women see money as a measure of security, and gravitate towards rainy-day funds. These attributes are not cast in stone, as women are increasingly taking on risks.

I remember the story of a girl who wanted to break-up with her fiancé because he bought her a Bible on her birthday.

“I can’t take it anymore,” she exclaimed.

“Don’t you like the Bible?” she was asked.

“It’s not that,” she replied. “He is just always stingy. He can afford to buy me something expensive but he won’t because he thinks it is being wasteful.”

Obviously, their views about spending differ. Their differences, if understood and harnessed, could be complementary and provide a safety net against extremes. A famous cleric and counsellor said, “The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” The critical issue is to walk hand in hand, appreciating your differences. Amos 3:3 says, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” This togetherness requires that certain questions regarding finance be discussed before you say ‘I do’.

What is his attitude concerning savings?
What is his attitude towards loans and repayment?
When you eat out, does he check the bill before paying?
Will you be splitting bills?
Should you have a joint account?
What financial decisions can be made independently and what decisions should be made jointly?
What is his attitude to you earning more than him?

Please understand that I am not in any way advocating marrying for money, but a sense of economic responsibility is required from whomever you decide to marry. Don’t say, “I don’t care about money” and then secretly harbour resentment against your spouse for not providing the lifestyle you expected. Remember it’s until “death” do us part, not until “debt” do us part. Can you live with his financial decisions?

Don’t assume that because you and your partner don’t think alike, you cannot get married. Opposite viewpoints can provide tremendous balance and strength to a relationship. However, understanding is needed to make it work.

Don’t ever think you can change anyone either; they formed their habits long before they met you and are unlikely to change because of you.

Courtship is the time to get to know your partner. Make sure you understand his/her opinion on financial matters and put your opinions across too. Then agree on how you would structure your finances as a couple if you were to get married.

Unequally Yoked

by Nomthi Odukoya

“Does my Pastor hate me? Why is she so against my new boyfriend?”She asked in exasperation. “Can’t she see that he is better than all the other ‘brothers’ I have dated? He opens the car door for me, allows me to win every argument while subtly stating his opinion, and showers me with gifts and attention. Even his family practically adores me, and he does not stop me from serving God. What more can I ask for? If it’s about his belief in God, I can change that once we are married.”

This statement is used far too frequently as the justification for dating an unbeliever: “I can change him.”

More often than not, this ends up being a wish, and not a reality. Do you really believe that you have the capacity to change anyone?

The choice of who to marry is one of the most important in life; some might say the second most important decision you can make – after giving your life to Christ. To make it based on a belief that your spouse might change his beliefs is a chance that you shouldn’t take, as a decision that will determine your future shouldn’t be left to chance.

The Bible is clear that we shouldn’t marry an unbeliever, and the reality is that God will not bend his rules because of you. 2Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?” So to disobey God and then expect Him to fix it for you is unwise. Ignoring Biblical instruction and then believing God to change your spouse/boyfriend could be likened to boxing yourself in a cage, throwing away the key and then expecting God to break you out.

You cannot change anybody’s heart –that is the job of the Holy Spirit. So unless you have swapped job descriptions with Him (Holy Spirit) you will be frustrated.

This instruction not to date or marry an unbeliever is for your benefit, not God’s. There have been a few cases where the guy does change but these are exceptions, not the rule. You can avoid heartbreak or a failed marriage by heeding Biblical instruction. If your partner is a true Christian with the fear of God, it will be easier for you to overcome the inevitable trials of marriage.

I am not saying that if your boyfriend/spouse is a Christian, you will not have issues. However the advantage is that you both can state your problem before God and jointly believe Him for a change. Ecclesiastes 4:9 says that two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labour. It is also easier to handle temptation if you have same beliefs – as neither of you will do anything to entice the other to sin.

If you eventually get married to an unbeliever, the disparity between your belief systems could be confusing to the mind of little children who would see their parents profess different faiths. Naturally you will want your children to know, love and serve God, but if one of their parents does not, there is every chance that they could grow up to be unbelievers also. Why put the salvation of your children at risk? There is a Christian man with the fear of God for you.

Avoid an unequal yoke…

Who is responsible for the pregnancy?

by Nomthi Odukoya

“And who is responsible for your pregnancy?” he quizzed with a serious look on his face.

“You” she stutters, not because she is not sure, but the audacity of his question rocked her. He knows he is her only boyfriend.

I am sure you can figure out the end of the story. The girl is left with two options: either have an abortion or raise a fatherless child by herself. God admonishes that sex should be within the confinement of marriage. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is honorable by all and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge“ and 1Cor 6:18 says, “Flee sexual immorality”.

Let’s replay that same scenario in a marriage setting, and here is what you hear.

“Honey, we are pregnant”. She squeals

“I am going to be a Father?You are not working for now; I don’t want anything to happen to my daughter”, he exclaims excitedly while rubbing her stomach

“No, it’s a boy” she responds

“It’s a girl”, he insists as he places his ears to her stomach and the joy goes on…

The above reactions are not cast in stone, as situations vary. But the disparity in the two responses is common in the different scenarios. Our world is rapidly evolving in such a way that being a virgin is seen as an embarrassing social status, whilst being sexually active at a young age is being normalized.With television shows, such as MTV‘s ‘16 and pregnant’, seemingly celebrating the decisions of teenagers to engage in pre-marital sex, chastity is increasingly becoming a tough decision to uphold. But regardless of what the world accepts and approves of, the standard of God will not be compromised.

Chastity before marriage is the key.

How is it possible?

ABSTINENCE!!

Is this the only way?? Yes. It is the only guaranteed guide against unwanted pregnancy. Don’t be deceived by condoms, both male and female condoms can break even if you both wear more than one. The Bible instructs against sex before marriage- 1 Thess 4:3-5 says “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honour, not in passion or lust like the Gentiles who do not know God”.

Guard your access. Not just access to your body, but access to your mind- don’t watch erotic movies or videos or read pornographic magazines and expect your mind to be pure.

Don’t stay alone in an enclosed place with the opposite sex. Let your boyfriend know when you need to go outside to be in the company of others. Don’t assume your strength against sexual desires.

Don’t use sex to sustain a relationship. If a man loves you, he will protect you even from himself. Sex does not keep a man neither does it guarantee a good home.

What are the possible consequences?

Complications during pregnancy like weak pelvic bones, obstetric fistula. The World Health Organisation (WHO) states that stillbirth and newborn death are 50% higher among infants born to adolescent mothers.
The mother might have to dropout from school and the possibility of giving the child a good life and education is lowered.
Shame and ridicule from family and friends.
Abortion if the man refuses paternity of the child.WHO estimates that 3million unsafe abortions occur globally every year amongst teens. Adolescent pregnancy is a major contributor to maternal and child mortality, and to the vicious cycle of ill-health and poverty.

Aside from the physical aspects of pre-marital sex, there is also the spiritual damage caused by it.Sex outside of marriage leads to an emotional imbalance, as every person you have sex with takes a piece of you and you also take a piece of them. Sex is a spiritual exchange;the Bible says “two will become one flesh” (Mark 10:8). It is not just an exchange of emotions or body fluids, it involves your spirit, that why some people are bonded with someone they have had sex with, and he seem to also have a reign over them.

If you are already pregnant, understand that you are not alone. It can be scary and lonely and you should talk to your parent, counsellor or Pastor. Don’t opt for an abortion; you have a human being developing within you (21days after conception, the child’s heart is already beating).You are valuable to God regardless of where you have been or what you have done. Make a decision to live for Him going forward and watch him decorate your life.

Forgive

by Nomthi Odukoya

Then Peter came to Him and said, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times? Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. – Matthew 18:21-22

Ever been hurt so bad, you can think of nothing but revenge?

As a human being, you will be offended – you may be scolded, jilted, raped, abandoned or betrayed and the natural instinct will be to coil in self-protection or seek revenge. Neither helps the situation. You should look beyond the hurt; forgive and be healed. A hurting person will hurt others, thereby creating a vicious circle of avoidable hurts and pain.

You might not be able to control other people’s actions or decisions, but you can control yours. There is a popular adage that “you cannot stop a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop it from perching on your head.” Being offended is a choice, choose to forgive. C.S Lewis says “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”

Unforgiveness wraps you in the past, which makes it impossible to enjoy the present or the future. New relationships will not be formed or enjoyed until past hurts are allowed to go. Really, there is no point holding on to the past. It is like tying yourself to a tree and expecting to move forward; you will only end up with bruises and expelled energy. It’s time to cut the chains of unforgiveness and move forward. It is medically proven that cold and flu (as well as other sicknesses) can easily develop where there are angry emotions. You don’t need it.

Forgiveness is a sign of emotional and spiritual maturity. Mahatma Gandhi said “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” It does not come easy to man; it is a conscious decision with the help of God.

Do you find it difficult or impossible to forgive? Here is how to go about it:

Acknowledge the pain or hurt.
Honestly address your feelings: realise that the hate you feel does not harm the person like you wish – it is like drinking poison and waiting for your offender to die.
Look for the positive or benefit from the hurt: he left you so that God can bring someone better and more deserving your way.
Deliberately refuse to dwell on the past or tell the story, and if you must, tell it from the other person’s perspective.
Pray for the person.
Trust God to heal your heart.
Set better boundaries – not to shut yourself in but to define your relationships going forward.

Sometimes, you might have to apologise though you are the offended. The truth is that it will make you a better person.

Forgive….

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